letters
04.12.24
Mom,
Most of the time, you say how you wish we'd stayed kids forever - accompanied by how we changed for the worst since we moved, and how you can't recognize us anymore. I can even hear you saying it, so common as it was and is.
You say it as if I, as a nineteen year old, should just give up all the experiences I had, just so that you can have your blank canvas of a daughter again. That I should act six, or ten - and how crazy is that? To stay the same forever? You often comment about my dislike of fish as something that I decided to have on a whim, a teenage rebellion, not as something that, most of the time, I can't keep down. You said that when I was a toddler I'd eat everything - and that is the truth, I would eat anything, because I did not like anything and did not dislike anything. I can't stand the smell of fish being cooked, and I would trow up if forced to eat it. You always say that I do it because of a girl in our school who had similar tastes, and it absolutely invalidates my own feelings on the matter.
You talk about how we changed, but are blind about yourself. You became a bitter human being, and were the worst person to be around when we moved - even our relatives were tired to hear you complaining about our living situation. You managed to taint our first months, even years - even now - of living here, and I was always dreading the question 'Do you prefer to live here or there?' because, even if it was the truth, I knew that if I said 'here' you would completely freak out. You even made threats to leave us with Dad and go back. At some point we stopped caring, and even encouraged you to do so. It was not worth crying over. The same with the divorce threats - sometimes I wish they separated.
You say how you invested so much in me - ballet, classical music, and how I only find happiness with art, drawing and writing, that you find not worthy of pursuing. You were the one who made me do this things. You made me learn ballet, attend violin and piano classes, even when we didn't want to. You humiliated me for not knowing a song in a public class when I was seven, hit me with a wodden spoon for not wanting to record a video playing, at a recital you walked out when I was ten, hit me again until there was blood at fifteen for not wanting to sing at a Christmas video, and you managed to make us hold onto it because it was, quoting, 'the only special thing' that we had.
It makes me a bit sick, remembering all of this things. You were horrible, or are, still. You make it seem as if I asked for all of this and then gave it away, when you were the only one getting satisfaction from it. I remember asking you for art classes, the only thing I asked for, in regard of extracurriculars. We already did so much, I wanted to do something that interested me, that I really cared about. You said that you would look into it, and it became nothing. I like art, because everything I learned was by myself. Dad was the one to gift me a tablet and later an iPad, that was mostly for studying, because I did not have a computer. You did nothing to encourage my sincere passions, only ours, that you disguised as my own. You lived your dream through my life.
I can't see it the same way. For me, classical music is forever tainted. Ballet is forever tainted. Choirs are forever tainted. The smell and dryness of auditoriums are forever tainted. Playing instruments is forever tainted. Listening to classical music is forever tainted. Competitons are forever tainted. Friendships are forever tainted. That specific valse that you liked so much I cannot listen without crying.
You are forever tainted.
- Wren
Mom
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*** *****, ********
07.11.24
Dog,
It's been a long time since we talked, probably around two years. I think that now I cannot say that I am your friend anymore, since we don't know each other. At least not in the ways that count. I avoid looking at your social media, or hearing about you, because it makes me sad. Melancholic that you talk to other people but not me, and that we drifted apart almost naturally over time, like a string no one bothered to pick up.
I will cherish our memories together, but you are no longer a part of my life, and I have to let you go. I am only hurting myself like this, and you do not deserve my hurting. I won't be the person waiting forever - I will learn to walk away.
- Wren
Dog
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*** *****, ********
