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29.01.25 - Clay Birds
So, I got into the college for computer science. Yay, I guess. Dad and I are going to the campus tomorrow to give them all the documents and papers necessary for enrollment, which was a lot. The distance to the town make the commute about an hour and twenty minutes, so I'm going to have to learn to ride the train and the subway. I don't know if I'm excited or not. At least I'll learn to do things on my own and have a little more freedom, even if the classes don't start until March.
Yesterday's sailing lesson was good - we finally got some wind. I'd say it won't be long before we can go out on our own, but we still don't know how to put the boat together properly. Sadly, instead of being surprised by marine life, all we found was a dead fish floating in the water. When we got home my brother went to get his hair cut at the local hair salon while Mom and I went to the center of town, which is basically a bunch of local stores I've never been to before. There we bought a new case for my cell phone, a hair clip (because my trusty one broke last week), and a Hello Kitty shirt. Mom wanted to have caldo de cana with pastel, but I'd already had a snack at the yacht club - one of the canoe students brought a cake that was still warm and delicious, and I ate probably four pieces of it. When we got back, Dad and I sorted out the registration papers before he went out with some friends, and in the evening Mom and I went to the mini-market near the apartment to buy some bread, but we ended up having a simple dinner there as well.
When we got back, she went to my grandmother's apartment to collect old photos for my uncle's seventh-day Mass and brought home a bag full of them. It was really interesting going through the pictures - I finally saw the faces of my grandfather and great-grandmother (the person I'm named after) and other family members when they were younger. I didn't even recognize Dad! She also had stored the Mass cards of the passing of my two aunts - my father's sister/her daughter and my mother's sister.
Yesterday, I downloaded pirated music apps to listen offline and found a hidden gem. I really liked the song "Clay Pigeons" sang by Michael Cera and will continue to explore his albums. It's hard, but I really need to focus on growing my hair and avoid straightening, but those tiktoks don't help at all - no more heat damage! I can't cut it right now, not until the 31th, so I have to resist the temptations of the scissors.
"I'm going down to the Greyhound station
Gonna get a ticket to ride
Gonna find that lady with two or three kids
And sit down by her side
Ride 'til the sun comes up and down around me
'Bout two or three times
Smokin' cigarettes in the last seat
Tryin' to hide my sorrow from the people I meet"
Also, I don't know if I mentioned it before, but there are two ruddy ground doves that always come to the window to eat. They sit in there and feast on the leftover of Pakkun the cockatiel's food, and we've named them Norberto (the philosopher) and Antetokounmpo (the basketball player). Once, one of them slept on the coat hangers and in the morning we discovered that he had pooped on the sheets.
a few photos from the album
26.01.25 - Funerals
Yesterday was my uncle's funeral, the one I talked about before was in the hospital. It was a surprise because my parents thought that he was getting better. It's a strange experience to go to someone's funeral when you don't know them well or just don't have an emotional connection to the person. I think it also matters that he died because of alcoholism addiction. It was very different from going to my grandmother's and my friend's mother's. He wanted to be cremated, so there was just service and then they took him away. My father is always the one that I see most affected by the death of his family - the same when my grandmother died. Mom and Dad were the ones that organised the whole thing, and I was so proud of them. They were crying too, but then some of their friends came, mostly the parents of my friends from school, and the mood changed to something lighter. I'm very glad they have people they can rely on.
DIARY ENTRY 14/06/23
I am sad today. And I was yesterday and the day before. I even cried. But then I looked at the calendar and realized why - it is that time of the month. I also realized the reason for my sudden chocolate addiction and bad mood.
I still feel down, but at least I know that the feelings are heightened by hormones and that I am not really that sensitive. I almost cried again in class over a poem! Also, my mom came back from her trip and brought me a little statue of Boruto (is made of clay) and when I opened it, I thought it was a saint.
My parents also came home tonight with a cart full of my late grandmother's things from their apartment. It was strange to see these things again: the Jesus that used to hang above her door, the little trinkets and glass that remained on her shelves, her paintings, the huge "Lord's Supper" frame that watched over the dining room, her collection of elephant statues...
I don't usually like to think about her death much, mostly because it was the first time I lost someone close to me and also my first funeral. It hurt a lot when she died, even though we weren't very close because I spent my childhood in another state. But it got better and now I just feel a little heartache when my parents talk about her. I think I was affected the most because of my father - her son - and the fact that she was my only grandparent left and the only one I knew.
I wrote this after the funeral:
Dad was not the one who cried at school presentations or during a sad movie. He was the one who made me laugh when he cursed soccer players on TV or made a good joke. Sometimes he would be angry with me, disappointed, proud. But I never saw him cry. At least not until that day.
I wasn't very close to my grandmother, you see, because we lived in different states, far away from each other, for most of my childhood. We only spent time together during the holidays or at Christmas, but it was good. After a few years, we moved to where she lived (she was getting older and older, and phone calls weren't enough for my dad). So we weren't that close. But I cherish those memories. The time we received gifts when my dad came home after a trip, the phone calls that always ended with a blessing, the Sunday mornings with live church, the funny show after dinner, the lunch we shared every Sunday, her cat that always rested on the same chair, the bed that my cousins and I used to play in, the smell of her perfume, her paintings on the wall, the coolness of her shower, going shopping, always holding her arm.
These moments are only memories now.
(It went by so fast. It feels like it was just yesterday).
I haven't been to her apartment since she died. I also didn't see her cat before he died.
Her funeral was the first one I went to. It was sunny. My father was silent on the way to the cemetery. We all were.
...
I don't remember if all her children were there. I remember that when they buried her, my father was the one who asked the workers to stop. He begged them to wait a little.
Just a little bit. He told them to calm down.
(Why would they want to make her go so fast?)
He was the one who took out the cloth that covered the glass over her face. Dad was the one who cried the hardest. He had to hold the coffin because he couldn't stand. I started to cry with him too, I think everybody did. It didn't hit me until the very last moment. Dad was the one who said the last goodbye, the last 'I love you, Mom'. The one who held her until he couldn't anymore.
After the funeral, we went home. My mother was now the driver. He stayed in their bedroom until the next day.
It was very quiet inside.
And then life went on.
Today the results of some of the uni entrace exams were supposed to be released, but they haven't posted anything yet. I've been looking at cats for adoption near me since yesterday. I think I've always wanted to be a cat owner, although my parents never liked the idea, even when I begged them for one at the age of eleven, when I wanted to take home one of the kittens in my grandma's garage. Instead, they gave me a notebook with a cat picture on it and I am still mad about that. Probably nothing will come of it because I need my dad's approval, although I am softening up my mom bit by bit. We will see her tomorrow, or them, because I loved the one I saw on their website who is five years old. I'm not planning on getting any kittens - I want to see the old guys. If anything happens I will post updates.
It has been raining a lot lately and Benny is cold. When I took him out the morning of the funeral, because Dad stayed with Uncle's body, everyone greeted him. He is quite famous in the neighborhood. The days are slow.
23.01.25 - The Prodigal Son
We won't have sailing class tomorrow because the instructor hurt his feet, so I'll try to get up earlier tomorrow to go biking on the beach.
Things happened and took a turn I did not expect. Today was the last day of enrollment at the private college we signed up for, more at Mom's insistence than a solid reality that we would attend. We don't have enough money to pay the tuition, especially for two people - things we had discussed before, but since things have to be her way, my father applied for us anyway.
All these years, Mom has always told me that if she had to pay for one of us, she would pay for my college because she sees that I work harder than my brother. She even said that yesterday, not that I expected them to pay, I had already discussed it with Dad that it would be impossible anyway. Today she said that they'll pay for my brother to study for six months, or as long as they can afford it, to see if he makes the effort to pass the public exam.
I really can't describe what I felt when she told me this, because it seemed like nothing. It was quick and strong, like a fire that goes out just as it's starting to rise. After she took his 3x4 photos, she invited me to dinner and then we went out for coffee.
Meanwhile, my father finished his registration. I didn't say much when we got to the cafeteria, and since I'd already had some cake, I just ordered a juice.
My mother began to explain how difficult the decision was for her, how this was a way to motivate my brother to study, to see if he would get off the computer and change. They made an appointment to see a psychologist. I didn't know what to tell her, and she complained that I didn't say anything. What could I say?
"Why should I be upset, angry or sad? I muttered as I swirled the straw around the ice in the glass of orange juice. "There's no point in worrying about what I can't control - I can't control you, my brother, my father, or the results of the exams."
At one point she moved her chair closer to me and said she couldn't hear me. She asked if I was angry with her for what she had done. I said no, that I had no opinion about it. I no longer care what my brother chooses to do or not do - he chooses what to do with his life and I choose what to do with mine. She quoted the parable of the prodigal son, and I just looked down as she said what a good daughter I was. Did he not show that he was sorry? After kneeling in the dirt and begging for his father's love? Brother is not like that, at all.
I used to wonder, even as a child, how the elder son felt when his father killed the calf for his younger brother. I looked into her eyes and thought of the passage in Luke:
And then I asked her if she was telling me all this, explaining herself, because she wanted me to say that she had made the right choice. When she asked me if she did, I wondered, 'If she didn't know, how could I? It's not like I can predict the future'. In the end, we talked about my other options, and we decided that she would enroll me in computer science if I got in, and if I didn't, I would take the pre-med course again - but all while I was still studying to get into medicine. I think that's the only good thing that came out of that conversation. It got to the point where I couldn't stand her telling me that I should worry about my brother just because we were twins, as if he were a weight tied to my legs that prevented me from walking, or even a parasite that couldn't survive outside its host's body. She wondered what had happened to make me distance myself from him. 'For the winner the potatoes,' right?
"Cain and Abel were siblings, too," I replied irritably, "As were Esau and Jacob." And I wondered briefly, but not for the first time, which one of them I would be.
I don't know if I'm angry, sad, disappointed, or happy. I'm certainly numb - that's all I can say. Maybe I'm just bitter, more Cain than Abel.While in the car, we argued about how she always uses the things I tell her against me, and how she always shifts the conversations we have to topics like school, studying, and how I am not enough. She denies it.
In the elevator she told me she loved me and I wanted to cry.
17.01.25 - Worries
I did not sleep a wink last night and woke up at least ten times during dawn. Getting up at six was also a waste of time because there was no sailing lesson today - the tide was too high and there was not enough wind.
When I went to the beach yesterday afternoon, I decided not to go in the water because I did not want to wash my hair for two days in a row. So, because I was going to wash it today anyway, I went to the beach again after sleeping on the couch for a few hours to get some energy. When I got there it wasn't too crowded and I managed to take some cool pictures after locking my bike (the only one there).
At some point, when I was walking on the pier that stretches out to the sea, there was an old man playing the harmonica, and I sat down next to him to enjoy the swimmers and the music. I think there was a couple next to us who spoke Spanish, but I'm not sure - the day before, on my way home, I passed a group talking in French.
Afterwards I walked a bit more to the end of the platform and sat down on the ground in the furthest place I could and just relaxed - there was a woman in a blue dress who was meditating, and inspired by her I tried to close my eyes and listen. The sound of the waves hitting the rocks feels different when there is nothing to see. I thought for a moment that this was how God made me feel, a little scared, amazed and at peace.
Wanting to see some animals, I walked along the shore until I could see the corals, which is quite a distance, and when I got there, I found a yellow-green crab hiding in a small pool formed by the rocks. I struggled a bit to catch it with my fist layer of shorts (because I didn't want to get pinched) and voila, I did. It was small, but very colorful and active - at one point it started climbing up my arm like a spider and I was so scared that I dropped it on the sand.
After that I left him alone and a woman on her bike asked me if I wanted to go swimming, because it was raining a little bit. I thought, "Well, I'm already wet," and went into the water after making sure my bag was in a dry place. Sometime after I swam there, I walked back from where I came and swam some more until I got tired and biked home in the rain (my first time).
At the apartment, Dad told me that my notebook decided to work out of the blue, because of his 'magical powers'. We had a serious chat between us, though. Dad has a lot to worry about right now. One of his brothers is in the hospital, practically dying from problems caused by alcoholism, plus the drama of his hundred lovers visiting him at once; Mom has to schedule another surgery; my uni decisions start today; he has to manage the condo as the manager; etc....
However, I finally reached a point in this study journey where I am done. I can't take all the expectations, the yelling, the disappointments, anymore. I told my mom yesterday that I'm going to university this year, even if it's not for the course she wants me to take. If my grades aren't good enough for medical school, I think I'll try computer science. It is hard to decide stuff like this when you have no passion for such things. I don't know if I would love med school or comp sci. I don't know the future. What if I hate it? Will the jobs pay well? Where will I live? Can I stand to stay in this town any longer if my dream was to leave it? I don't know, and that's the worst part, I guess.
14.01.25 - A Plane? A Bird? Superman!
It is a double edged sword learning how to become detached from things. Often as a kid, during arguments in the car, I would wish that I had a way of tuning down voices - to be able to separate myself from the situation in the most permanent and quiet way possible. So I practiced. I would try to disassociate, thinking of fake scenarios, stories and movies that I was interested in, hoping to muffle part of what was happening around me. Sometimes, I would imagine myself out of my body, looking down, like a pitying angel or an unsolicited observator. Everything was happening to someone other than me, who was still myself, but in a far, far away type of way.
Then, came the time when I was in a video class during the pandemic and couldn't remember a word my teacher has proffered in the twenty minutes he had been speaking. It was blank - I had been daydreaming unconsciously, as if I had swiftly fallen asleep. It happened more and more as time passed. Like a drug you didn't know that you were allergic to. It made it easy to not react to anger or sadness, but I felt as if I was losing my grasp of reality - at that time I spent more time with a book hiding my face than looking at the sky or at the sea. Amazing, I was becoming someone other than myself.
At thirteen or twelve, it's common for a girl to feel the weight of the world for the first time. I think that was the most troubled part of my life, so far. A period filled with fights, anger, tiredness and missing a life I couldn't return to. Not that my parents helped the situation, my mom especially. That was the time that I learned how to hate ballet and all things related to music. Looking back, I was probably depressed. Moving states and leaving all that I knew behind for a school where I didn't feel valued or challenged, with idiot colleagues, no friends, and a truly smaller space from the one I was used to, with no parks or trees in sight, just the stench of the sea was like all my nightmares combined.
Anyway. Today when we went to the (marine) club it was cloudy and it didn't took very long for the rain to come. So our lesson was only theoretical - how to tie different knots and how to set up the 'boat'. Brother went kayaking (a miracle) with Dad and he say a baby flying ray on the water. I was so jealous - on his first day - that he didn't even want to come may I add - he sees something. I hope on our next lesson we see a turtle or a dolphin, just to top his experience.
When we were almost finishing our lesson, Dad commented to my friend's father about how my late grandfather would've made fun of me for how tiny our boat was. It made me understand a little bit of why he was so admant we do this. It hurts though, that my parents share this tibbits of our late family with others but not us - I learn more about my family when there's strangers around.
The last few days have been rough. Some of the entrance exam's results were released and they were not so great, or what I expeted. I feel wrung out. I'm wasting all this years and for what? A possible carrer I am not even sure that I want to pursue? To make my parents proud? I'm failing at that. I don't know what to do. Should I give up to not waste more time when I could be doing something else?
Mom keeps digging and digging and I just want to disapear. I took my bike and now I'm at the beach writing this. There's almost no one in sight and the rain is cold. Everything is this bluysh-greenish-gray. I don't even know if I'm sad, dissapointed or angry. I know that she wants someone to argue with. I'm numb, I don't feel nothing. Maybe I'm just a waste of money and time. When did I become that? What will my future bring? How dramatic. Pathetic. I can't even cry. There's no seagulls here, though I saw them a few days ago. A lot of birds together - I looked away and they were gone.
07.01.25 - Am I In 'One Piece'?
I learned to sail today! My Dad goes kayaking on Tursdays and he invited me to learn how to sail with one of my friends from school, whose parents also go kayaking with Dad. It was pretty cool, the hours passed super fast without us noticing. Of course, we still have a lot to learn, but I think in a month the both of us will be able to sail on our own. Our next lesson is on Friday, so I'll have to spend only two days with one of my aunts at the resort instead of the whole week, where we'll be staying with her two children.
I hope we have a great time, and at least now I'm not so lonely. I really enjoyed doing this with a friend I've known for seven years, and I'm excited for the next lesson.
03.01.25 - Sharks On The River
I got up earlier than yesterday, at six. When my alarm goes off, my body gets a super dose of adrenaline and I don't get tired for at least an hour. So I drank coffee and debated whether or not to go cycling while looking at the hunger in Benny's eyes, staring at my bread. I took a shower, left a sticky note on the kitchen table saying '*Wren went to the beach - will be back soon :)' and disappeared for two hours.
I usually cycle a bit before locking up near the swimming area. Then I take my bag, put my sandals where the bottles should be (don't forget to hydrate) and find a nice dry spot near the rocks to leave it before I dive into the ocean. Today I decided to walk along the shore first - I wanted to see the little animals. The day was beautiful and it was a real boost to see them in the morning.
I took some pictures of the snails and birds and was about to head back when I realised how much rubbish there was around me. I even found a doll earlier, which I cleaned up and put on the beach volley stands.
Most of it was bottle caps and bits of plastic. Luckily I found two bags that I managed to fill, but there was a lot more I couldn't get to. It was heavy with sand and my back was aching from bending down, so I took a few beaks by going into the cold water - it felt rewarding somehow.
It is so strange to see people walking past the rubbish and doing nothing. They want to enjoy a place they don't care about and it baffles me. It really does. If just one person had decided to pick up just one piece of litter, the beach would have been cleaned up by now.
Afterwards, I went for my last swim before heading home. As I walked into the flat through the back door, my dad was laughing and my mum was 'screaming' about how worried she was about me - all in good faith. We had a bit of a laugh, but it was reassuring - I reassured her that everything was fine.
In the afternoon, my dad, mum and I watched a film about a shark in the Sena - it was pretty weird, but the ending was interesting. The name was 'Under Paris' on Netflix.
PS: I was typing the year wrong - 24 instead of 25 lol.
02.01.25 - Not Much
Slept without the AC today and woke up earlier than yesterday. Worked on my website and watched 'Gladitor II' with Mom and Dad. Went to the beach with him at noon to meet some of his friends and now I'm making dinner.
On sunday I want to kayak with Dad. I think tomorrow I'll try a new recipe I saw on Instagram, with potatoes. The right side of my jaw has also started to hurt again because of my wisdom tooth. I'll go to the dentist with Dad later, but Mom gets mad when I talk abot extracting it because, in her words, is not good to remove something natural - as if. I want it out of my mouth as soon as possible.
01.01.25 - New Year
Oh, how I've missed writing in my notebook - using a smartphone's touch screen will never compare. When I arrived home from my trip, it was probably two in the morning. But since I can't stand the sight of my room in disarray, I decided to keep packing until three. It was at this time that I also decided to try out my new mouse that Brother had ordered for me when he went to buy his new keyboard - which now makes me use his old one. When I went to transfer the photos from the camera to the computer, the Kodak software didn't work when I used the USB cable. Luckily, I'd bought a huge adapter, the kind that comes with an sd input, several usb inputs, M2, micro sd and Ms Pro Duo, when I wanted to hack my Nintendo DS at the beginning of the year. That's how I managed to transfer the images.
Since we arrived at dawn, I woke up a bit late last night, at nine. I actually wanted to sleep longer, but my bedroom window doesn't block out all the sunlight, and it's right in my face. It was a bit strange sleeping in my bed after being out for so long, the pillow seemed the wrong size, the air was making me sneeze and the blanket was too hot - it took me a while to fall asleep.
The morning of the 31st was spent helping my mother cook and going to the fish market with my father to buy shrimp. In the afternoon, I went to Mass and received a planner from one of the other liturgy readers, which was a really nice gesture - he works for a charity. Then a family of friends came to the apartment and we went to the beach when it got close to midnight. It was packed and I was a bit scared when I saw how low the tide was - the situation looked like something you'd see in a tsunami documentary. The fireworks weren't too surprising, but I managed to record the video on the Kodak and take a few photos. Brother and I also jumped the seven waves, for good luck.
Today I woke up at noon - I remembered from before and wore eye protection to bed. First I let Benny out of the room and had a shower, and then I had lunch with Pai, the only person who had woken up. I spent the rest of the afternoon tidying up the cupboards on my desk, which were a mess, and went for a bike ride when the sun started to set. The beach was full of people, but filthy. It makes me angry. Tourists come here at the end of the year to enjoy the beauty of the place and they destroy it. When I went swimming, I had to push garbage in front of me - fruit, bottles, caps and bags. Sometimes I think that human beings really should be extinct.
When I arrived, I took a shower and washed my hair, moisturizing it. I saw an ad for this app the other day about a hair schedule, and when I answered the questionnaire the result was that my hair is extremely damaged. After being bleached twice a year, I wasn't too surprised. This year I want to take better care of myself - my skin, hair, exercise, etc. I hope I'll continue with the same motivation as the days go by. I'll post the photos I took in the gallery - I'm still learning how to use the camera, but I really liked the quality.
30.12.24 - Airplanes and Bad Luck
As I said before, things were going downhill yesterday, and it bled into today as well.
Mom and I woke up early to get to the market and buy things quickly, because we still had to pack. First we went to a stationery store to look for the film that would be used to store the cheeses and meats she'd bought - my mother always comes back with a lot of food when she travels, her weakness. We had to take the wheelchair elevator as she has problems from the hernia surgery she had a while ago. I know she's going to have to have another operation - Mom wasn't even supposed to travel with us this time.
Then we went to the camera store, but unfortunately it was closed. The owner's mother had passed away the day before, so he had decided to go into mourning. I'm not going to lie, when I saw that little sign I felt like the universe was laughing at me (it's a sad situation, but at the same time ironic from my point of view). So I went to the photo store downstairs, which I'd been to before but hadn't bought the only camera available, because the quality wasn't that good.
I ended up buying the 'Kodak EasyShare C142' for three hundred reais, which came with a USB connection cable. Since we had to buy batteries and a memory card, we asked the seller to show us a good place near where we were. On the way, my mother noticed a jewelry store that sold St. George medals, and there I finally managed to buy a quality silver one with a steel cord - now all that's left is to bless it.
When we got back, Aunt taught me how to make a lunch dish with the leftovers from yesterday's barbecue and wow, it was delicious. Especially the beans, which were made with Picanha, farofa and Charque (dried meat). The problem is that my mother always buys a lot of things, making it incredibly difficult to pack for the return trip. We practically had to shove them inside and when we arrived at the airport we had to pay extra for the excess weight.
Our flight had a two-hour break for connection between disembarking and embarking, giving us time to eat a few things for dinner in the cafeteria. The first flight was very smooth as it was empty. The second one was more troubled. It was crowded and in the first part, a little boy started crying loudly (not that I blame the kid, but it was annoying all the same). Then a Yorkshire started making 'meowing' noises for the rest of the flight - people were complaining that the owner didn't seem to calm the dog down at all.
But we got home half an hour early, at least.
[29.12.24] - A lot. Just, a lot.
Christmas was amazing! We spent the night with my 'uncle's family - grandchildren and children - singing karaoke, exchanging presents and eating a lot. The 'grown-ups' spent the night talking, but I decided to go to bed early, at 2am.As always, the 26th was spent sleeping and resting, and on the 27th Mum and I went to the public market to buy some food and look for a camera. I've been longing for a new camera, as my trusty mobile's camera has been giving me a hard time.We arrived twenty minutes before the shop was set to close, but it was already closed.I was bummed, but Mum and Auntie had already planned another trip to their hometown, so we couldn't go the next day.
The drive was probably six hours at first, until we stopped for lunch. Then we went to the hotel, had a bit of a rest and then went to a church, had ice cream and visited some of their relatives.At their house we had dinner and played cards, which I learnt to do in a new way.
Then we drove to Uruguay, my first time visiting another country in South America, and it was amazing! The scenery was stunning, full of greenery and animals, with great country music playing in the background. It took about five hours to drive there, but it was so worth it. We also saw a lot of vehicles from Argentina coming the other way, probably to enjoy our beaches, after all it's summer. In Uruguai, we enjoyed a delicious dulce de leche in a charming little cafeteria, and then mum bought some things for dad and for our house.Unfortunately, no digital cameras were found, but we met a really funny guy who owned an antique shop. He was also a devotee of St George, with a big painting and two statues around it. He told us it was the second thing to go into his brand new shop after himself.
After the incredible international tour, we went home and arrived at night. Now I only have tomorrow to buy my camera, so I'm really worried because We're leaving at four o'clock in the afternoon. I'm super excited to go to this particular shop because this guy is super well rated and he sells the used cameras at a fair price, so I'll be his first customer tomorrow, hopefully.
Today I learnt how to barbecue! We had so much meat that I got a little bloated, but it was so delicious! I'm so glad I finally learnt, and that my uncle is very nonsense - he even taught my brother how to mow grass. But at the end of the day, one of the big dogs, while eating a bone, attacked one of the smaller yorkies who was barking at him to get his food. She's very old, so she doesn't have the same wit she used to. The latest news is that she has a broken jaw and will be kept under observation.
After that we went to mass with a friend of Mum's and she ended up crashing her car. What an eventful day! Thankfully, it wasn't a major collision, just a few scratches, and now we're at Burguer King. Hopefully, tomorrow and our trip back will be okay.
[23.12.24] - Monday
Yesterday I spent some time trying to find my grandmother's name in the family tree database. I think this burst of curiosity may have started with my visits to museums, where I saw a mother and son learning about their Japanese ancestors. However, I have always been a little interested in my family history, as I have not been able to meet my maternal grandparents. It wasn't until recently that I found out that I had misspelled my grandmother's name - 'Aide' instead of 'Haydee' - and that I had Greek ancestry instead of just Portuguese, as I had thought.
I asked my mum more about it, but she doesn't know much, being one of the youngest children - so when I get home I'm going to ask one of my aunts about it to see if it's really true.
Of course I could do one of those DNA tests, but they seem a bit expensive, so I will try the free method first. Also, my grandfather was mixed (indigenous and white), so I don't know if that will affect the results in any way. Maybe I'm also a bit relieved that at least some of my family might have come here in the 1800s rather than the early colonisation period, and it makes me look at culture in a different 'plus' way.
It's strange not to have Christmas at home. Not that it has been exciting the last few years, but I can still feel the difference, as if someone had moved the couch a few inches without me knowing. It feels like the magic is gone - and I'm afraid to worry about that, even if it's true. I miss having it with extended family - more on my mother's side - because it doesn't feel the same when it's just the four of us. I wish Dad was here with us, although he'll be spending it with his side of the family back home.
The other day my brother was reading this notebook (R$ 9.99) and I felt exposed. My fears weren't unfounded. I guess even writing in English isn't enough these days. It was just awful that he kept reading it after he realised it was a diary. I put it on Neocities for a reason, and if I wanted him to see it, I would have shown it to him - the worst thing is that he knows it too.
I don't know if I miss being at home or not. Maybe I've got used to the situation. At least I'm glad I bought decorated cards to give to my family and hosts, so I won't be empty-handed.
It's been a while since the Christmas trees at home have seen any presents. I miss waking up excited and rushing into the living room hours before my parents woke up. Not that I care much about material things, but at least they could have made an effort after we turned fifteen - a flower or a card would have sufficed. But we got nothing, and we learned to give nothing, at least between us. Even though my parents give us things all year round, I wish they had made this time a bit special.
It feels like I'm growing up more this year, like the time for knowing or experiencing is running out. I'm nineteen, but it feels like I've been stuck at fifteen forever.
(I was listening to 'Will Ye Go Lassie Go' by The Corries as I wrote this).
I feel grateful but undeserving - I think you can be both. I feel sometimes that I'm too impulsive, and regret is not a good emotion. I feel like I could be so much better than I am now, like I'm just a sitting, wasted potential. I'm disappointed in myself, even if I'm not my biggest critic yet.
Most of the time Mum speaks to me in a reproachful tone and it drives me mad. I want her to be gentler, because my heart acts like it's made of glass. Is it possible to admonish someone tenderly? The dogs here are huge, at least compared to Benny. They lie next to each other and then suddenly snarl and bark and bite each other's necks. It makes me think of you and me.
I worry that I speak in bad riddles or that my English is not that good. Most of all, I am afraid of writing the wrong thing or the wrong word, and perhaps of crossing some invisible social line that I am not supposed to cross.
Reality feels more distant, like nothing is real, like I'm watching the film of my life or using these super-virtual goggles. I think I just need a really cold shower and a good cry to get out of this weird trance.
Prayers to St. George
'Lord, hear the prayer of those who praise your mighty power. As St. George was ready to follow Christ in suffering and death, so may he be ready to help us in our weakness.'
'Lord, bless our offerings and make them holy. May these gifts fill our hearts with the love which gave St. George victory over all his sufferings.'
'Lord, we receive your gifts from heaven at this joyful feast. May we who proclaim at this holy table the death and resurrection of your Son come to share his glory with St. George and all your holy martyrs.'
Ephesians 6:1
'Put God's armour on so as to be able to resist the devil's tactics. So stand your ground, with truth buckled 'round your waist, and integrity for a breastplate - always carrying the shield of faith so that you can use it to put out the arrows of the evil one. And then you must accept salvation from God to be your helmet and receive the word of God from the Spirit to use as a sword.'
[21.12.24] - Rural
We've just returned from our trip and I'm writing this. A lot has happened since I last wrote. We left Mara's house and spent hours on a bus and now we are at our destination - in the very south of the country, near the border with Uruguay, and things are very different here. The people have a different accent and the way of life is quite unique. We are staying with another "aunt and uncle" who have known my parents since before we were born, when they were in their twenties.
They have two German Shepherds and two Yorkies, which I will show you here. When we arrived, they decided to go to Gramado, a tourist town with a lot of German and Italian influence, which is beautifully decorated for Christmas. So we booked the air b&b, a rustic cottage, and got in the car in the morning.
(We made a lot of jokes saying that our cabin was very very rustic. The church was rustic, the car and the animals. My mom was deathly afraid of worms.)
This aunt, she grew up on a farm and has been working with animals since she was a child. She knows a lot about these things, and when we got there, the guy, our host, was from the same small town as her. They both knew each other's families and we talked until one in the morning, even buying his homemade jam. The air was clean and the sounds of nature relaxing. We climbed the mountain so the stars were bright and beautiful. We got to Gramado and watched the Christmas parade, but it was so full! We couldn't see most of it because there was so many people there... But I've always wanted to visit, so there was a wish fullfiled, at least.
We only slept there one night and woke up this morning. We ate in the same restaurant we'd been to the day before, which was very good, visited the church, bought Brother some shoes and drove back. They were selling a medal of St George, but it was gold, so I decided to have a look before not buying one. I didn't even need dinner now, I was so full.
Christmas is only four days away - time flies.
[18.12.24] - Memories
So on the 15th we had our last test of the year. We had to get up at 5.30am and I hadn't slept a wink the night before. I don't know why I was so anxious, the other times I was much calmer and managed to sleep well. We spent the whole day at the university where the exams were held - we also had lunch there - and we probably got back to the hotel around 8pm. After that we had one more day before we had to go to a friend's house, and we spent it in the church and in the Holocaust museum.
There were a lot of Jewish immigrants who came here and it showed how much they suffered to escape Europe at that time. There was a man there with German ancestry and he translated the posters and magazines for his wife. The one I remember most was the story of a little boy, Mordechai Schlein, who played his family's Stradivarius violin after they were murdered and managed to smuggle a bomb into an SS party. He died a few years later.
Holocaust Museum
Then we went to Mara's house - she's the wife of our last headmaster - and we'll be here until tonight, when we'll get on another bus further south. Yesterday we were invited to play cards until dawn and visit some places. We went to a lake park, ate pastel, visited a Japanese garden and the shopping mall - where she bought me a Shiba Inu soft toy as a surprise. I got some Christmas cards that I will gift to my Mother and Brother, a new leash for Benny, a bag to put the sylvanian bunny, a 2025 schedule and another bike lock. Mara bakes very good cakes and her house is very nice - it has old furniture and tiles.
I think for someone seeing all of this, without context, it may seem that I go out a lot, or that I have many friends. But, most of the year I've spent my time at home or at the school studying, a very different picture of what is happening now.
I'm in a good mood, even though I miss home. After all the hustle and bustle of this year, the peace and quiet feels strange. I need to catch up on my hobbies, which have been neglected for far too long.
[14.12.24] - Writing
[12.12.24] - Liberty
I've never felt so much pain in my feet. Maybe it feels like when I had my first ballet performance on pointe shoes. It was worse then, but now it feels even worse. Things always feel more intense as they happen, I guess.
We are traveling south, but before we reach our destination, we had a day in Southwest, SP - the largest capital/state in the country. They have the second largest Japanese population outside of Japan, so I spent a lot of time shopping and such. For lunch, my brother and I had rice with some kind of sweet-tasting beef from an Asian place, and we had to learn how to use hashis on the spot - we sat on the sidewalk so everyone could see us fail to eat, and we had to persevere out of humiliation.
My haul was a Sylvanian Blind Bag (a baby bunny), a Melody plush keychain, and a little cat Yamato from OP. Not much, but I was afraid of spending too much. We also went to the Japanese Immigration Museum and man, did this trip make me want to buy a decent camera even more... My phone pictures suck (more on Gallery). The kimonos were beautiful and the samurai armor was pretty cool. While we were eating, we chatted with an old lady who was waiting for her daughter's Uber. I think her name was Isami, and she told me that her granddaughter's name was Naomi, and that she was two years and five months old. Isami told me that she married a man and moved here, but then he left her and her daughters. Now she goes back and forth to Japan at least four times a year to stay with her sister. She told me she was born there and went to college in Japan as well. It was a nice chat.
So we spent some time with Vera and then they accompanied us to the nearest train station so we wouldn't get lost. Now we are waiting for our bus, which will arrive in an hour. What awaits me is six hours of rest and sleep. It was a good trip, but I need to rest now. I just know that I will freeze - my body has accustomed itself with temperatures above 25 degrees celsius, so this will be a memorable Christmas, at least.
[11.12.24] - Figuring Things Out
[07.12.24] - Signs
Yesterday, when I was preparing to sleep, I went to my aunt's kitchen to refill my water bottle. But, when I was just about to pour the water, I saw a gigantic cockroach from the corner of my eye. I am very glad I did not scream, because almost everyone was already asleep, though I ran away faster than you could imagine. I absolutely detest them - God forgive me, but I wish they did not exist.
I know that if I had a gun in my hands, I would have shoot at that disgusting creature until I ran out of bullets. Because I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor, I was paranoid all night, fearing that one would crawl up to me. Just thinking of it makes me gag. So, it was not a fun night.
When I woke up today and got to the shower, I was wondering if I should wash my hair today or tomorrow when I saw a spot of red inside the shower booth. I was already finishing showering but was suddently like, 'No way, impossible!' I had to reach for my glasses because I am super blind, and bam! A ladybug! A red one at that. It's been years since I saw one, so you can imagine how happy I was. So afraid it would fly before I took some pictures, lol. I did, handle it for a bit, and it flew away. What a gift it was.
So, if you are having a bad day, remember that you never know what awaits for you tomorrow. A lot of insects is not always a bad thing.
[04.12.24] - Q&A
Q: #1 must-listen album?
A: I don't usually listen to complete albums. I prefer to pick out good songs from each one I like, but if I had to choose, it would probably be 'The Prince of Egypt Soundtrack' or 'Ella and Louis, 1954.'
Q: What's your favorite way to eat tomatoes?
A: I guess you read my about page lol. I prefer to eat tomatoes raw, not long after taking them out of the fridge, so they are still cold. To be honest, I don't think cooked tomatoes look very good, and the consistency is not appealing. I once saw a dish where they stuffed them with cheese - it was good, but strange. I also like them for lunch, as a sauce and as a salad. My favorite is when they're cut into tiny cubes, but I usually don't have the patience to cut them that way - I just cut them like apples.
Q: What's your current favorite manga?! Also, what's your favorite film?
A: I'm not currently reading any manga, but I started 'Slam Dunk' this year, and I liked it so far, even if I am only at the beginning of it. As for my favorite movie, I would say 'Whisper Of The Heart' by Studio Ghibli. It's certainly the one I've watched the most. As for non-animated ones, probably 'Dead Poets Society.'
Q: Do you have any New Year's resolutions/overall life goals?
A: I don't usually follow through with New Year's resolutions, or maybe mine are too mundane - be more productive, learn new things, exercise more, pick up a new language, etc. In January I started Russian and French on Duolingo and was pretty consistent for a while, until I dropped it. As for life goals, I really want to get accepted into university this year and to move out from my parent's house. To finally get into a relationship and to start getting serious with cycling. Also, I wish to get confident while driving, because though I got my license, I am too fearful to go out with the car.
Q: Is coding something you would only want as a hobby, or would you take it to a more professional level/setting? (sorry if you've talked about this before)
A: I really don't know. I am still deciding if I will follow through with the plan of applying for med school this year, but computer science / engineering was something that caught my eye. Sadly, I am not so good at math's of physics that I am confident enough for uni levels of calculations, so it's all still uncertain.
[27.11.24] - Inside Out
For the past couple of days, my brother and I have been sleeping on my room beacuse we have guests over. It's a bit challeging having to share sleeping spaces after so many years with our own rooms - since we became twelve - mostly because mine is a bit tiny, and his mattress and clothes ocuppate a lot of walking space, making my bedroom seem disorganized. It makes me anxious and irresonably angry to have my possessions moved around, I don't exactly know why. Maybe it's about losing them, or not knowing where they were put. We will have to travel again this weekend for another test. Honestly, I am beggining to get mentally and emotionally tired with all of the airports and staying over at another states - I wish this phase ends soon. I need to get out more, but there is no one to go our with. Being confined at home takes its tool on my introvert side, and seeing my family's faces very hour of the day can be exausthing. It's like the pandemic all over again.
I often get headaches from staring at screens while studying, but I don't have much else to do. All my projects are on hold this year. But I've brought my violin out of hiding! I have a lot of mixed feelings tied to classical music because of my childhood with competing classmates around it, but I still enjoy it in the right environment. Now I am learning the violin 'Sonata' by H. Eccles - a bit challenging after so many years, but still a good change of peace.
I hope Christmas will come soon - our town is mostly decorated, but I need more of the refreshing spirit of the season - the songs and the food too. Lately it seems that the days end too early and the daylight slips through my fingers. I wish the sun would set later here, and maybe I could enjoy my day more. There is still a lot of construction noise coming from the building across the street, but at least they stop around four, so I can get a little rest - and probably everyone else on the block. Today I've spent the day watching literature video classes, mostly on Machado de Assis' 'Contos Flumineses' - a collection of stories about the Burguoise of Rio de Janeiro, filled with a lot of sarcasm and irony.
Now, the sky is already dark, and the sound of cars and buses going home from work is slowly increasing. I decided to write here before dinner so that I would not be able to avoid posting this - if I did it later, it would not be done at all. A reluctance fills me when I try to write before bed, it's funny, really. But I always feel bad afterwards. As Clarice Lispector once expressed in 'Too Much Life Complete Chronicles' - "I want to be anonymous and private. I want to talk without talking - if such a thing is possible."
Yesterday, during Mass, the priest was talking about the Apocalypse - the book - and how some people don't want to read it for fear of their own mortality. It resonated with me when he talked about the freedom of not being afraid, of living life to the fullest, every single day. A fullness that is good, not afraid of the end of time. To be content. Anyway, it was nice to talk to the older people, and at one point - I almost forgot to add - the priest was a little stressed out by an older lady who wanted them to close the big curtains, even though the organizers had already told her it wouldn't make a difference. It was funny, but it must be a tough job dealing with the elderly. Poor guy.
This is a picture I took and edited of the statue of Mary that stands in front of our parish inside the hospital.
[22.11.24] - Reminiscence
I remember, when I was in fifth grade, that I tried to have a diary. It was one with a lock system based on voice, that had a mic integrated on the plastic hard box. Inside, there were just two slim notebooks that, if taken seriously, wouldn't have lasted a month. I didn't write much on it, and only years later in when I opened it in a fit of curiosity, I saw written in bold, 'I LIKE M.' - with the name of the boy I had a crush on. It was weird, as if someone else had put it in there, because I did not remember writing it, but my Mom found it both cute and hilarious, to my embarrassment. After that, there were other attempts with the invisible ink and old notebooks, though I guess they all failed because I always had the nagging sensation of a lack of privacy, or the fear io someone stumbling on it and reading all of my intimate thoughts. If I was told three years ago that I would be keeping an online diary, I wouldn't believe it. I like it - it makes me view the days as special, ordinary but not boring. It's great to be able to read this and remember things in great detail, and I wish I'd done it earlier.
I have been trying to find a specific 'Whisper of The Heart' song on the soundtrack for a while now. If I find it, I'll link it here. It's from the scene when Shizuku wakes up from her nightmare and the sun is coming through her window. She wakes up from a dream where she has to hurry up, which comes from the anxiety she has in real life, about studying, worrying about her parents, and following the path Seiji opened up inside her - to follow her aspirations in writing as he did with the violin craft. She holds something precious and beautiful, but it turns up to be just an illusion, becoming ugly and horrifying - dead, a life that never manages to live - and I think it represents her fears pretty well. She lies on the ground, and the atmosphere is of reflection, sadness and of endings, in general. But the coming of the morning represents new beginnings, and it's one of my favorite parts of the movie. I love the oboe, the way the theme song is slow and calm, instead of cheering. When I watch it, I always wait for this scene, and it manages to provoke a mixed feeling in my heart. Terribly moving, I believe it's a good description. The sound of acceptance, missing someone, and defeat. She looks at the book's picture of the luthier in prison, still doing what he loves, and thinks, 'Will I ever manage to be like that? To love something deeply, to do something as great as this?' and instantly thought about Seiji. I've been searching for the name of this song for an hour, with no success. Not on Spotify, YouTube or Reddit - just on the movie. It feels even more special, somehow.
[21.11.24] - Sandman, Give Me a Dream
Honestly, I did not want to write this entry. I am tired, and it's already eleven pm. Benny is lying beside my chair, probably waiting for me to turn the lights off so he can sleep. I wish I could just think the words and they'd be translated into the note taking app on the screen. But, writing makes me 'think' about what I am saying here, in a way that mindless daydreaming can't achieve.
My eyes and head are hurting from the time I've spent on my phone today. It's a bit sad, really. My only activities are studying and wasting time. I feel that, at this point on life, I should have more interesting stuff to do.
Brother is a problem, as always. I try to be mindful, but is hard. Though, let's not think about it for now. Yesterday Dad took me to the beach so that he could be with a friend from his time at the Military that he hasn't seen for a long while. Most of the time I spent chatting with his wife, about pets, the rise of violence in our city, her cute grandson and her experiences while traveling abroad. It was interesting, as most talks with older people tend to be. She almost got deported while in Dubai and her daughter is coming for a surprise visit to her mother. It was relaxing, even if the water was cold and the sand, hot.
I'm a bit hungry because I haven't eaten dinner for the past few days - Brother didn't go get the bread, again, so I had to content with an apple - the food from lunch it's too much, I think. I will probably buy it alone tomorrow and ride for a bit. I have now read half (59% if I want to be specific) of the book I've mentioned, 'Hardboiled & Hard Luck', and I'm looking forward to finishing it, even if I know that my review of it will be like scrambled eggs. It's one of those reads that you must take everything in stride and then read it again, just to be sure.
I need to get back to the rhythm I had going - spiritually and emotionally. I pray when I got to sleep, for people who I haven't even met. But it feels right, somehow. I wonder if it makes any difference in their life's. I hope it does.
[18.11.24] - Kitty, Kitty; Hello Kitty
Hello, I am alive. It's been a few days since I wrote anything here, because life has been pretty hetic lately. From the comfort of my home, I type this to let anyone who sees this know that everything went - mostly - fine, and that I am safe and sound, if not a bit battered.
(Everytime I enter this site somehow I surprise myself with a new couple of followers - not that I care about that type of thing, but it's a tangible way to realize that people do read this.)
I got to enjoy our trip, even if the long hours of sitting on a desk frying my brain got me like some zombie from 'The Walking Dead' - I spent some time shopping, going out with my aunt's daughter who is older than me by some years, and playing cards (learning poker!). We went to this big mall that had a lot of stuff and I bought a lof of bike acessories that I plan on using readily, just not today. I got an 'U' lock, a light, a phone holder, a new air pump and two 'Hello Kitty' keychains to use on the lock keys. All of this on 'Daiso' and 'Miniso'. I also got a new gym top with coverings, so I won't have to worry about chest marks, it you understand me.
I did well in the tests, and already know that I will have to travel again for one of them - the other I am not so sure. But, always praying and hoping. Surprisingly, there were a lot of bugs on this trip - sadly no ladybugs, I would've loved to see one. There were pretty flowers and trees, though, and I will probably store the photos on here somewhere when I have the time. Tragically, after we had to wake up at 2 AM with little no sleep to go to the bus station that would transport us to the airport, I got an upset stomach, and it was not a pretty sight at all... Very painful and gross, as this things tend to be. When we got to the airport I didn't even try to have breakfast, and Brother ended up eating mine. (Everything at the airport is super expensive, I felt robbed).
I was starving and tired, and we almost ended up missing our plane, being the last people to board - imagine our panic! Also, if I didn't mention, this is our first time traveling alone without parents of friends, so we were a bit nervous. We got in, and I got seated beside this lovely grandma and her daugther. They were so funny! Everyone on the plane, at least where I could hear and see, was very chatty and in an uplifting mood - there was a toddler crying for a while, but he was so cute that I forgot about it. The grandma ended up offering me candy, but I declined as I wasn't sure that my stomach was better. The plane shaked for a bit when we were in the process of landing, and everyone was kinda of laughing and she said to her daughter, "Next time we are taking the bus!".
It's a bit morbid, but when I get into a plane, I always think about dying. I always do a prayer when we take off, and feel a sense of gratitude and contentment. If I died then, I think it wouldn't have been so bad, even though I'm very happy that I did not haha. It's a recurring thought that I have to analyse later. I got home, showered, ate lunch and rested, but could not sleep. I started watching a movie with Dad, about the marathon tragedy in Boston, 2013. It was not something I knew about, so it was interest to be informed, even if it was so tragic. I will probably sleep soon. I did not go cycling today, and tomorrow I will go to Mass, so if I want to exercise I will have to do it earlier or in the morning. I want to test the lock and try to go swimming. Classes only restart at the 25th - finally, a bit of rest.
[13.11.24] - Doctor, There's Something In My Chest
Things have been going on so badly it almost seems comical, from an outside perspective.
First, I forgot to charge my phone, and woke up to a miserable 12% of battery. Dad got upset, because we got in the plane without saying goodbye - we were on the verge of being late and I would not take any chances. When I was leaving to go to the metal scanning, I almost cried after hugging Mom, and I wanted to go back to hug her again, but I just keep walking ahead, feeling like it was my first day of kindergarten. I slept all the way (2 AM to 6AM) and we almost had a stroke thinking that we lost the bus (9AM) and that we would have to wait on the airport until the next one, three hours later. In the end, things worked out.
Sadly, Mom and Dad are stressing at home because Benny has diarrhea and had made a mess of our living room. After a couple of hours inside the bus we got to our aunt's home unscathed and starving. She had a new dog that wouldn't stop barking at us. Right now I am at the balcony and there is a dove staring at me from the electric cables, while I watch some video classes. There are a lot of parrots here, and they're are loud. The brown dove is still there. The temperature here is colder, 18 to 16 Celsius, at least at morning and noon.
The sun is hiding, painting the sky as a fire, bright orange. I downloaded a new book that I saw someone here on Neocities recommending, as a review. It's a collection of short stories, Korean, I think. It's supposed to be sad, and I hope that it will match my current mood. I still have to shower, but it will be cold. It's weird, to realize that I have become unused to this type of things that were so common to me before. Cold showers, warm street lights, red soil, houses instead of big buildings. It used to hurt more, before, and I would have a heavy envy deep in my gut.
Now it's just numb.
[12.11.24] - Blindness (Ensaio sobre a Cegueira) by Jose Saramago
I woke up a bit late today, but still had to get up to let Benny out of my room and to turn off the AC (the energy it's pretty pricey). The past days I've been feelling awful, and I kinda hate myself right now - what a strong word to type down. Even knowing that this is the hormones talking, it never really manages to make me feel better. I still want the ground to swallow me whole. I will be traveling tonight for my other entrance exam, and I'm already dreading it. My mind is sluggish and I can't seem to concentrate in anything. I went for a bike ride to cheer myself up, but it didn't work. Now I have a migraine. I'm not a pleasant person to be around, now. I'm impatient, rude, sad, and grumpy. I just want to be forgotten.
I tried to finish a poem, but I didn't feel inspired. A house built with bad bricks. I'm lonely. I like being alone, but sometimes I crave someone to talk to. To be wrung dry and cry a bit. I wish I had a penpal - with a pen and paper. I like to write digitally because my handwriting isn't pretty. Writing to someone wouldn't be a problem. I would do it gladly. A lot of trust is needed, but it makes the act more authentic. It's more real; it's more of a leap of faith. It would be good to talk to someone without the awkwardness of a first encounter when you don't know someone well. To carry and to be carried; to care and to be cared for. I think it's great that you don't have to respond right away. I always felt anxious waiting to do something or waiting for someone to do something. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
While I was rididng, my vision was bad, and I couldn't see people's faces when they passed me by. It felt somewhat important and scary. Like I already talked about here, about my silly fear of going blind. My head is stuffed with cotton. My bag is done, and I will need to remember to take the chargers. I am a bit afraid of traveling alone with my brother more than I had with a friend. Maybe it's because I know that I'll have to be the responsible one now. What a burden to bear.
[11.11.24] - 'The Potato Eaters' by Vicent Van Gogh
For the past week, since I had my first days of exams, I had been feelling a horrible pain on my neck and shoulders. It was truly terrible, to the point where I couldn't look down. I went to bed in pain and woke even worse, and my mood was decreasing day by day. I was very stressed, nd maybe that's why things escaleted so quickly, to me. It was friday, I think - and I decided to cook something, a recipe I saw on instagram and that I'd been craving for a while, now. The problem is, that everytime I decide to make something, I always spend a lot of time in the kitchen and, in the end, my brother does not help me at all and always complain when he has to wash something more than his own cluttery. It was a dish made of potatoes and beef, that Dad brought with my request in mind.
Everything was fine, until everyone started to spill inside our little kitchen - Dad helping me peel the potatoes and Mom sitting just scrolling through her phone. My brother decided that juggling the potatoes on the air was a great idea, and I told him off. He was getting them dirty hen they would fall, and I was hopping to use them later, more so, he was occuping space and moving around the table we have in the middle of the room. I had told him multiples times to hand them over, please. You are getting them dirty, I said. Give them back. He did not. The pain on my neck was horrible and I had to crouch to try to get one that fell down, but he took it. Even writing about it makes me mad. I shouted that he was being an asshole, to just hand them over and he had the gal to talk to my parents - who were already shouting - that I was annoying him. And my Dad just said to let it go, and my Mom to let him be. I'd never felt such disgust directed at him before. I had to go to my room, and I almost cried from sheer emotion. At that moment, he was not family, at all. It also doesn't help that I am on my period, and everything feels worse when it shouldn't.
At that moment, I gave up on him. It's not just because of this, but for the compilations of the disregard he has for me. He doesn't respect me, he pushes me around, wants support when he doesn't care for my wellbeing, is ignorant, lazy to the point of having to be babied, do not respect my boundaries, doesn't help me around. He is very disrespectful towards my mother, because she lets him walk over her, and then she comes to me crying because of how he treats her, telling me to go talk to him. I won't be a part in this anymore. He could go fuck himself for all that I care. And she can go off this cliff she blindy walks to. I'd always told my parents that if they did nothing to change him, he would remain the same. I am not his mother, he is not my responsibility - I will not carry him on my back because he won't use his legs.
Anyways, I've been trying my best at ignoring him. He always try to get me mad, so that I would answer his questions that he is too lazy to search, but I wont't give a peep. He tries to push me around, but I won't give up. I am so angry and tired at him. But, mostly, disappointed on how he turned out.
This was a big rant, right? It's just that no one here takes me seriously. My Mom is too deep into her fantasy and my Dad too tired with the two of them complaining that he becomes passive and useless. Family, right? The only good thing that came out of this week was my four day streak on cycling, which was amazing. But I still have a lot of exams and I am mentally dead. I look in the mirror and I see sad, tired eyes. I wonder if anything that I am doing now matters. God, what am I doing with my life? I wish I went to see the sea this afternoon.
[07.11.24] - 'Till Death Tear Us Apart
Yesterday I was finally able to go cycling after, probably, two weeks. I put my foot down and told Dad that I wouldn't wait for him or my brother to acompany me anymore, because I was tired of being stood up - they where always tired or had plans. So, I went on my little adventure around the block. I hope now that Mom and Dad get used to me doing things on my own, even if I understand why they are concerned about me going alone. However, depending on someone to go out it's too stiffiling, and while I don't feel confident driving, cycling it's the best option to feel a little more free.
During my exercise, there were some guys taking photos of us, but I was too shy to go and ask about them, and now I feel a bit of regret - they were probably pretty cool. I didn't do my full circuit because I am a little out of shape, but it was enough. I always stop for a few minutes on the bridge that goes inside the sea, and I sit there looking at the water to rest. It's very peaceful, and the alone times is great. There was an old couple there, the grandmother in a wheelchair and her husband in a portable chair, and they were also gazing on the other side that I was at. I felt their love from afar, thinking about how hard it would be to move her there and the way they were talking.
I will probably buy a new bike a few weeks from now, when the tests slow down a bit. Besides Mom being recommended to exercise by her doctor, the one I am using now it's a bit too big and makes me strain my neck. And, the gait doesn't work. I am excited to get all the acessories to become more serious about cycling, specially a way to carry Benny around.
Now, I am a bit busy studying, and anxious about it. I want to eat well, exercise, and rest. Though, overall, everything is fine.
[04.11.24] - Surperstitions
Four is an unlucky number in Japan because it sounds like 'shi' (death). This is why there are two readings for the number four, 'shi' and 'yon'. Whenever possible, people try to avoid using the deathy one. The same is true for the 'ku'(nine) which sounds like the word related to suffering, agony or torture.
I often feel like I try to forget or silence myself about my bad thoughts or the things that make me uncorfortable or sad. Last year, during my first and only therapy session, I had a hard time trying to express myself and in the end, could only talk about the good parts of my life - my personal 'fours'. There are topics that even thinking about them make me melancolic so, instead, I always tell myself that they don't bother me, as if they don't exist at all.
Superstitions is not something I care about a lot - the only one that comes to mind is that when I ladybug lands on you, it means good luck. Or when you leave you shoes thrown on the floor, it means bad luck will befall your mother - but I don't belive in the last one anymore.
There is been a while since a saw a ladybug because they are not common where I live since I moved in 2015. It's too hot here, and they would't thrive (I guess that applies for me too.) I used to see a lod of the orange ones back home. They would visit me in school and during soccer games - I remember jogging out of the fiwld in the middle of the game to show them to my mother.
I am now in the middle of my exams period. I feel a bit anxious, but nothing very concerning, at least compared to previous years. I need to face things head on, now. I contemplate writing letters.
[31.10.24] - What Is Your Favorite Scary Movie?
Today is Halloween, yey. For the past week I've been in the mood of watching some horror movies and reading fanfiction of them. My entrance into the genre was probably the creppypasta stuff I was into when I was thirteen, which I know find very cringe, at least when I think about the little me. I've already watched 'Scary Movie' but I was a bit uncomfortable with the sea of sexual jokes - not a great experience overall. But, I like the 'Scream' series. Specially the first one and the VI, I think. I have a celebrity crush on Ethan, interpreted by Jack Champion, who - I was surprised to know - was Spider on the last Avatar movie.
I don't like horror/ slasher movies that are really scary, like Anabelle or The Nun. Specially if there's paranormal stuff or clowns. I only watch movies like 'Friday The 13th', because they are old and do not strike fear as the new ones do - the blood is an plastic shade of red and some scenes are so dumb they become funny. My brother wants to watch the new released Terroriser and I will not even get close to it. I don't want to deal with the nightmares and paranoia.
Also, I've been getting into The Witcher. I don't play or anything like that, though I wish I could. The world building is very interesting and the character compeling. Like a darker version of Lord Of The Rings? I'm just getting to know it, but it has been a great experience so far.
Mom got better and it's now at home, on bed rest orders. Things are going well.
I noticed, fairly recently, that half of my top teeth are slightly crooked to the right. It's something I missed because it's only noticiable to me on selfies. I wish someone had said something, or my dentist corrected it before, even if I don't know if it's salvagable or not. I will try to forget about it, because this doesn't matter on the grand scheme of things, but it still bugs me a little in photos. Like when you realise that you see yourself differently than other people see you.
Agh, I am tired of studying. I hope this tests go smootlhy and that they end sooner than later.
ps: Me to Gerald: "Wait, they don't love you like I love you."
[12.09.24] - Wheat or Grass
It has been a while since I posted a new entry here - a week, I think. I've been putting it off since the last few days, convincing myself to postpone it until tomorrow, but if I don't write this now, I won't do it any other time.
As usual, I got a cold yesterday, a recent theme amongst my rambling. I didn't do much, because I was feeling down, for reasons I don't wish to bestow upon this site. I don't want to remember it, so I won't leave it here. As of now, I am better, my nose is no longer clogged and my back don't seem to hurt anymore from when I took my bike to the beach.
Yesterday was one of my friend's birthday, from school. We have known each other for a while, seven years. At first, I didn't want to go - besides being sick I still had classes at noon, and I had to wake up early the next day. Though, I think I was just afraid. Afraid to see them, and feel like an outsider as we haven't seen each other for at least half a year, and others more than that. We got to the restaurant two hours later, but they were still there.
At the end, my fears were unfounded, and we all chatted as we were still in middle school. I've missed them. Missed this sensation of camaraderie, the company of people I am familiar with, the laughter, the teasing. The happiness that comes from being around a person that you can let loose. We stayed until the restaurant closed and we left together. The birthday boy (who turned twenty) carried what was left of the cake and two of our friends took an Uber home together. Me and my brother didn't get the chance to have dinner, just sweets, but honestly, it didn't matter. It has been a while since I've laughed so much.
My girl friend agreed to take me to the soccer match this Saturday, to watch and play volleyball. I am not sure it will happen, but I trust her. I hope everything goes alright. I am nervous. I am happy. It's weird, because I do not feel tired now, even if I went to sleep very late because of the party.
Because of the cold, I had to sit outside of some classes yesterday, and I was not very productive in the afternoon. I stayed under the spray of hot water for some minutes while I washed my hair, and it felt like a hug. When I feel guilty, I always try to numb myself. I think, It's nothing, it doesn't matter, so don't feel sad even when it does matter. I wish I did therapy, but I can't make myself spend more of my parent's money. I guess I do feel guilty, even if I try not to.
(Today there were clouds and the sky was a beautiful baby blue. I haven't seen The Cat for weeks, and I worry. I keep imagining that she was run over or that got lost. I hope she's alright.)
I got home, ate lunch (delicious) and promptly sleep for three hours. I feel more alive now. I finally got the time to use the hair removal cream my mom bought - I wanted to get rid of my arm hair for a while, and I can't wait to tan a bit this weekend to feel healthier as I bathe in the sunlight. After that I just studied, as always.
"What I'm more persuaded of every day is that those people who don't make wrestling with nature the main consideration do not get there.
I think that if one has tried to follow the masters attentively, one encounters them all at certain moments, deep in reality. I mean - what are called their creations - one will also see in reality to the extent that one has similar eyes similar sentiment to them. And so I also believe this, if the critics or connoisseurs were more familiar with nature, their judgement would be better than now, when it's the routine to live only among paintings and to compare them with one another.
Can't you understand that I may not be wrong in this - and to say even more clearly what I mean by it, isn't it a pity, for instance, that you seldom - or hardly ever now - go into those interiors, or associate with those people, or see those moods in the landscape that are painted in the paintings you find most beautiful? I don't say that you can do this in your position - just because one has to look long and hard at nature before one arrives at the conviction that what the great masters painted most movingly still has it's foundation in life and in reality itself. A basis of solid poetry that exists eternally as a fact, and can be found if one digs and searches deep enough.
If I make better work later, I still won't work otherwise than now; I mean it will be the same apple only riper, - I myself won't turn from what I have thought from the start. And this is why I say for my part, if I am no good now, I won't be any good later either - but if later, then now too. For wheat is wheat, even if it looks like grass at first to townsfolk - and the other way round too.
I'm still working on various heads and hands. I've also drawn some more, perhaps you will see something in them then again, perhaps not, what can I do about it? Again, I know no other way.
But I can't understand you when you say, perhaps we will also find something good later in the things you are doing now.
If I were you, I would have enough self-confidence and independent opinion to know whether or not I could see now what there was in a thing.
In short - decide that sort of thing for yourself." - Letters to Theo, Vincent Van Gogh
[04.09.24] - Telling My WHole Life With His Words
I dreamt today, which in itself is strange, because I haven't been able to do so in a while. Maybe the difference between now and then was just the two hours of additional sleep I had on Thrusday morning, or the fact that I went to the gym yesterday, but I'm not sure.
I had forgotten how weird dreams can be. Nothing makes sense, but it's also understandable at the same time, like a children's drawing, I think. Remembering it is also a surprise - which I'm almost sure that can be attributed to the alarm tune of this morning - 'Clair The Lune', instead of the drums that somehow made into the 'Peaceful Sleep' playlist I chose for my clock.
Anyway, for the dream - the part that is more alive inside my memories is about how our apartment was a boat. Inside was the same as always, cream concrete walls, sofas, our TV, even the piano was there. But looking out of the windows of the balcony, I could only see the greenish waters of the sea. It wasn't deep, our boat-house. It looked like we could still stand up if we got into the ocean from where we were, but we remained inside and just watched people swimming with colorful floats. It was, now that I look back, awfully the same as that scene of Ponyo where the kids go searching for Sosuke's mom. Then, there was great waves that forced us, from our place in the sofa bellow the windows, to close them hurriedly trying to stop the water from flooding our home boat. They were made of clear glass, so it was frightening to see the strength of the water as it rocked us.
The scene changed suddently, and next second I was next to our car and then, at a platform directly above the water, like a sidewalk that stretches deep. There was a girl with a scary paper clown balloon, and after avoiding her - because I am deathly afraid of clowns - in the corner of my eye I saw something move inside the dark waters. It was a shark, an enormous one that had a lot of bruises, battle scars.
I remember that I tried to get people out of the platform, but there were kids laughing and trowing fish to it, and before I knew, the shark ate one boy. It was horrifying, but muted, like all dreams that aren't full nightmares are. I was almost waking up when the scene changed, and I was inside the home boat again. The waters now were a clear blue, instead of the algae green from before. We sailed as if going to the shore, the opposite way from the start of my sleep. I could still see people in the water, despite the accident that just passed. I saw a shark, but everyone was calm. The shark was smaller, but somehow more peaceful than the one I had seen. It just swam between the people without bothering anyone.
I pressed my face against the windows, and just looked ahead, the opposite way of the afternoon sun. The sky was golden. And then, I woke up.
Besides my dream, I've been feeling down since last month. Demotivated and worthless. Even if I'd thought that this unbearable lack of energy and contentment was a product of my oscillating hormones, now I wonder if they stem from something deeper. My lack of confidence is something I've battled for a while, since I got into my middle school, or even before. There was always this felling of competition that permeated everyone, fighting for the first place of the year, the promotions that came from the highest grades. I could never achieve one, even if I came very close, I always had my grades above 8,5/10. I think being compared to some of my classmates that were truly genius people affected me more than I'll never know. It makes things rotten, like plaging violin. I still remember how truly humiliated I felt when my mom got out of the auditorium after I got the music wrong, how some of the other woman tried to confort me while I sat down crying. I was only ten.
And now, in this time of my life where competition is the most important thing, it has been all crashing down on me again. I feel like crying, but my nose is already clogged and I am sick, so I will just endure, like always.
[31.08.24] - Diamonds and Pearls
Wow, I'm almost falling asleep while typing this...It's already midnight and I woke up at eight, so you can see why I'm a bit tired. Fortunetly, this morning I didn't have any classes, and tomorrow is free of mock tests - I will finally have a Sunday for myself. Today, after eating two bananas for breakfeast, I watched the rest of 'The First Slam Dunk' that I didn't finished last week. I started the manga some months ago, but haven't picked up for a while. Still, I wanted to watch it to give me a motivation boost to continue reading it. And it worked - the movie was so good! SUper emotional and dramatic, plus the animation was gorgeous. I don't know the characters very well yet, but the movie does a pretty good job to get you invested. It portrays sports competition so well that there were times that I was cheering for Sannoh instead of Shohoku.
After that, me and Dad went to walk on the beach - I wanted to run after our previous failed attempt. It was so sunny his eyes started to hurt, so we decided to just walk for some time. The tide was low, perfect to catch some marine animals, pure luck. The water was clean and I felt like I was on those fancy aquariums where you can touch some of the starfish - but with no starfish. I caught one sea snail that was on top of some corals and two baby hermit crabs, and we waited some minutes to see them coming out of their shells before puttiing them back. 
There were some guys who went deep into the water to go fishing, but the fish were probably not so big. Me and Dad spent twenty minutes trying to hunt a siri (blue crab) that we found eating another crab's remains. They have blue and red back legs that are perfect for swimming, so he was super fast and hid himself into the sand so we had to wait until he moved to find him. We had to use our sandals, because Dad was concerned that he would pinch me and, after a long time and many failures, we suceeded! I caught him with my hands, and for our shock, he didn't have pinchers! Our caution was all for nothing lol. Sadly, I didn't bring my cheap phone with me to take pictures, so you will have to contend with my story-telling abillities.
After I let him go, we drank one coconut each (that were super price inflated!) and I ran for two minutes before getting tired and going back home. Lunch was pretty great (my mom is a awesome cook) and I spent the afternoon studying. I got to edit more of my new homepage that I want to post here soon and now I'm trying to sleep.
Today was a great day. I'm grateful to be alive.
[26.08.24] - Old and New
I went to sleep late again yesterday, despite knowing that I would wake up tired. I always think, 'No, tomorrow will be different - I can enjoy my night,' but it's a lie, and I know. I am foolish and this is the type of silly mistakes that get me a tired and moody, like now, having problems focusing on classes.
I fear a lot and I have the habit of hiding from things that make me anxious. Constantly avoidance, like a turtle living inside it's shell. As I said before, it's too difficult to take the jump, without knowing if the floor it's too far down. I fear of going blind, but it's a irrealistic terror of mine. I find .myself having to press my eyes closed to read the white board and street signs. I can't recognize letters from a few feet far from where I stand, and it scares me.
I'm probably fucking up my vision more and more while using electric stuff, like my ipad and phone. I want to read more physical books, but they are expensive and too heavy to carry around. Of course, further down the line surgery is a possible solution, but I don't like to think about hospitals too much, even thought I'm studying to have a chance to become a doctor. I wish I didn't have to, or feel obligated to. Though, after so long, I can't seem to differentiate at what point other's desires end and mine begin.
Yesterday, in the morning, me and Dad went for a walk by the beach. This time we stayed by the sidewalk, and didn't step on the sand - the tide was high, covering all the stones the marine animals habitat. I wanted to stretch my legs a bit, but there was already a race happening, so I couldn't go to the track, sadly.
I got home, ate, and promptly slept for three hours. I was so tired! But I'm guilty that I did not study too much today. I will try to be more responsible tomorrow. I will be.
The image displayed here is of my childhood plushie bunny, Pirata (Pirate). He is pretty old, around 19 years of age. I really can't remember the reason behind his name, but I think it suits him (it's a him, despite the pink color). I dragged him from his hiding place up on my shelves and boy, isn't he dirty! His feet were slashed, so I had to learn how to sew so I could treat his wounds. It's a bit botched, but everything is closed and firm, so nobody can complain against my first needle job. I will probably use a bit of fabric to cover it up later, but now he is fine as he is in my bed.
