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[18.11.24] - Kitty, Kitty; Hello Kitty

Hello, I am alive. It's been a few days since I wrote anything here, because life has been pretty hetic lately. From the comfort of my home, I type this to let anyone who sees this know that everything went - mostly - fine, and that I am safe and sound, if not a bit battered.

(Everytime I enter this site somehow I surprise myself with a new couple of followers - not that I care about that type of thing, but it's a tangible way to realize that people to read this.)

I got to enjoy our trip, even if the long hours of sitting on a desk frying my brain got me like some zombie from 'The Walking Dead' - I spent some time shopping, going out with my aunt's daughter who is older than me by some years, and playing cards (learning poker!). We went to this big mall that had a lot of stuff and I bought a lof of bike acessories that I plan on using readily, just not today. I got an 'U' lock, a light, a phone holder, a new air pump and two 'Hello Kitty' keychains to use on the lock keys. All of this on 'Daiso' and 'Miniso'. I also got a new gym top with coverings, so I won't have to worry about chest marks, it you understand me.

I did well in the tests, and already know that I will have to travel again for one of them - the other I am not so sure. But, always praying and hoping. Surprisingly, there were a lot of bugs on this trip - sadly no ladybugs, I would've loved to see one. There were pretty flowers and trees, though, and I will probably store the photos on here somewhere when I have the time. Tragically, after we had to wake up at 2 AM with little no sleep to go to the bus station that would transport us to the airport, I got an upset stomach, and it was not a pretty sight at all... Very painful and gross, as this things tend to be. When we got to the airport I didn't even try to have breakfast, and Brother ended up eating mine. (Everything at the airport is super expensive, I felt robbed).

I was starving and tired, and we almost ended up missing our plane, being the last people to board - imagine our panic! Also, if I didn't mention, this is our first time traveling alone without parents of friends, so we were a bit nervous. We got in, and I got seated beside this lovely grandma and her daugther. They were so funny! Everyone on the plane, at least where I could hear and see, was very chatty and in an uplifting mood - there was a toddler crying for a while, but he was so cute that I forgot about it. The grandma ended up offering me candy, but I declined as I wasn't sure that my stomach was better. The plane shaked for a bit when we were in the process of landing, and everyone was kinda of laughing and she said to her daughter, "Next time we are taking the bus!".

It's a bit morbid, but when I get into a plane, I always think about dying. I always do a prayer when we take off, and feel a sense of gratitude and contentment. If I died then, I think it wouldn't have been so bad, even though I'm very happy that I did not haha. It's a recurring thought that I have to analyse later. I got home, showered, ate lunch and rested, but could not sleep. I started watching a movie with Dad, about the marathon tragedy in Boston, 2013. It was not something I knew about, so it was interest to be informed, even if it was so tragic. I will probably sleep soon. I did not go cycling today, and tomorrow I will go to Mass, so if I want to exercise I will have to do it earlier or in the morning. I want to test the lock and try to go swimming. Classes only restart at the 25th - finally, a bit of rest.

[13.11.24] - Doctor, There's Something In My Chest

Things have been going on so badly it almost seems comical, from an outside perspective.

First, I forgot to charge my phone, and woke up to a miserable 12% of battery. Dad got upset, because we got in the plane without saying goodbye - we were on the verge of being late and I would not take any chances. When I was leaving to go to the metal scanning, I almost cried after hugging Mom, and I wanted to go back to hug her again, but I just keep walking ahead, feeling like it was my first day of kindergarten. I slept all the way (2 AM to 6AM) and we almost had a stroke thinking that we lost the bus (9AM) and that we would have to wait on the airport until the next one, three hours later. In the end, things worked out.

Sadly, Mom and Dad are stressing at home because Benny has diarrhea and had made a mess of our living room. After a couple of hours inside the bus we got to our aunt's home unscathed and starving. She had a new dog that wouldn't stop barking at us. Right now I am at the balcony and there is a dove staring at me from the electric cables, while I watch some video classes. There are a lot of parrots here, and they're are loud. The brown dove is still there. The temperature here is colder, 18 to 16 Celsius, at least at morning and noon.

The sun is hiding, painting the sky as a fire, bright orange. I downloaded a new book that I saw someone here on Neocities recommending, as a review. It's a collection of short stories, Korean, I think. It's supposed to be sad, and I hope that it will match my current mood. I still have to shower, but it will be cold. It's weird, to realize that I have become unused to this type of things that were so common to me before. Cold showers, warm street lights, red soil, houses instead of big buildings. It used to hurt more, before, and I would have a heavy envy deep in my gut.

Now it's just numb.

[12.11.24] - Blindness (Ensaio sobre a Cegueira) by Jose Saramago

I woke up a bit late today, but still had to get up to let Benny out of my room and to turn off the AC (the energy it's pretty pricey). The past days I've been feelling awful, and I kinda hate myself right now - what a strong word to type down. Even knowing that this is the hormones talking, it never really manages to make me feel better. I still want the ground to swallow me whole. I will be traveling tonight for my other entrance exam, and I'm already dreading it. My mind is sluggish and I can't seem to concentrate in anything. I went for a bike ride to cheer myself up, but it didn't work. Now I have a migraine. I'm not a pleasant person to be around, now. I'm impatient, rude, sad, and grumpy. I just want to be forgotten.

I tried to finish a poem, but I didn't feel inspired. A house built with bad bricks. I'm lonely. I like being alone, but sometimes I crave someone to talk to. To be wrung dry and cry a bit. I wish I had a penpal - with a pen and paper. I like to write digitally because my handwriting isn't pretty. Writing to someone wouldn't be a problem. I would do it gladly. A lot of trust is needed, but it makes the act more authentic. It's more real; it's more of a leap of faith. It would be good to talk to someone without the awkwardness of a first encounter when you don't know someone well. To carry and to be carried; to care and to be cared for. I think it's great that you don't have to respond right away. I always felt anxious waiting to do something or waiting for someone to do something. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder."

While I was rididng, my vision was bad, and I couldn't see people's faces when they passed me by. It felt somewhat important and scary. Like I already talked about here, about my silly fear of going blind. My head is stuffed with cotton. My bag is done, and I will need to remember to take the chargers. I am a bit afraid of traveling alone with my brother more than I had with a friend. Maybe it's because I know that I'll have to be the responsible one now. What a burden to bear.

[11.11.24] - 'The Potato Eaters' by Vicent Van Gogh

For the past week, since I had my first days of exams, I had been feelling a horrible pain on my neck and shoulders. It was truly terrible, to the point where I couldn't look down. I went to bed in pain and woke even worse, and my mood was decreasing day by day. I was very stressed, nd maybe that's why things escaleted so quickly, to me. It was friday, I think - and I decided to cook something, a recipe I saw on instagram and that I'd been craving for a while, now. The problem is, that everytime I decide to make something, I always spend a lot of time in the kitchen and, in the end, my brother does not help me at all and always complain when he has to wash something more than his own cluttery. It was a dish made of potatoes and beef, that Dad brought with my request in mind.

Everything was fine, until everyone started to spill inside our little kitchen - Dad helping me peel the potatoes and Mom sitting just scrolling through her phone. My brother decided that juggling the potatoes on the air was a great idea, and I told him off. He was getting them dirty hen they would fall, and I was hopping to use them later, more so, he was occuping space and moving around the table we have in the middle of the room. I had told him multiples times to hand them over, please. You are getting them dirty, I said. Give them back. He did not. The pain on my neck was horrible and I had to crouch to try to get one that fell down, but he took it. Even writing about it makes me mad. I shouted that he was being an asshole, to just hand them over and he had the gal to talk to my parents - who were already shouting - that I was annoying him. And my Dad just said to let it go, and my Mom to let him be. I'd never felt such disgust directed at him before. I had to go to my room, and I almost cried from sheer emotion. At that moment, he was not family, at all. It also doesn't help that I am on my period, and everything feels worse when it shouldn't.

At that moment, I gave up on him. It's not just because of this, but for the compilations of the disregard he has for me. He doesn't respect me, he pushes me around, wants support when he doesn't care for my wellbeing, is ignorant, lazy to the point of having to be babied, do not respect my boundaries, doesn't help me around. He is very disrespectful towards my mother, because she lets him walk over her, and then she comes to me crying because of how he treats her, telling me to go talk to him. I won't be a part in this anymore. He could go fuck himself for all that I care. And she can go off this cliff she blindy walks to. I'd always told my parents that if they did nothing to change him, he would remain the same. I am not his mother, he is not my responsibility - I will not carry him on my back because he won't use his legs.

Anyways, I've been trying my best at ignoring him. He always try to get me mad, so that I would answer his questions that he is too lazy to search, but I wont't give a peep. He tries to push me around, but I won't give up. I am so angry and tired at him. But, mostly, disappointed on how he turned out.

This was a big rant, right? It's just that no one here takes me seriously. My Mom is too deep into her fantasy and my Dad too tired with the two of them complaining that he becomes passive and useless. Family, right? The only good thing that came out of this week was my four day streak on cycling, which was amazing. But I still have a lot of exams and I am mentally dead. I look in the mirror and I see sad, tired eyes. I wonder if anything that I am doing now matters. God, what am I doing with my life? I wish I went to see the sea this afternoon.

[07.11.24] - 'Till Death Tear Us Apart

Yesterday I was finally able to go cycling after, probably, two weeks. I put my foot down and told Dad that I wouldn't wait for him or my brother to acompany me anymore, because I was tired of being stood up - they where always tired or had plans. So, I went on my little adventure around the block. I hope now that Mom and Dad get used to me doing things on my own, even if I understand why they are concerned about me going alone. However, depending on someone to go out it's too stiffiling, and while I don't feel confident driving, cycling it's the best option to feel a little more free.

During my exercise, there were some guys taking photos of us, but I was too shy to go and ask about them, and now I feel a bit of regret - they were probably pretty cool. I didn't do my full circuit because I am a little out of shape, but it was enough. I always stop for a few minutes on the bridge that goes inside the sea, and I sit there looking at the water to rest. It's very peaceful, and the alone times is great. There was an old couple there, the grandmother in a wheelchair and her husband in a portable chair, and they were also gazing on the other side that I was at. I felt their love from afar, thinking about how hard it would be to move her there and the way they were talking.

I will probably buy a new bike a few weeks from now, when the tests slow down a bit. Besides Mom being recommended to exercise by her doctor, the one I am using now it's a bit too big and makes me strain my neck. And, the gait doesn't work. I am excited to get all the acessories to become more serious about cycling, specially a way to carry Benny around.

Now, I am a bit busy studying, and anxious about it. I want to eat well, exercise, and rest. Though, overall, everything is fine.

[04.11.24] - Surperstitions

Four is an unlucky number in Japan because it sounds like 'shi' (death). This is why there are two readings for the number four, 'shi' and 'yon'. Whenever possible, people try to avoid using the deathy one. The same is true for the 'ku'(nine) which sounds like the word related to suffering, agony or torture.

I often feel like I try to forget or silence myself about my bad thoughts or the things that make me uncorfortable or sad. Last year, during my first and only therapy session, I had a hard time trying to express myself and in the end, could only talk about the good parts of my life - my personal 'fours'. There are topics that even thinking about them make me melancolic so, instead, I always tell myself that they don't bother me, as if they don't exist at all.

Superstitions is not something I care about a lot - the only one that comes to mind is that when I ladybug lands on you, it means good luck. Or when you leave you shoes thrown on the floor, it means bad luck will befall your mother - but I don't belive in the last one anymore.

There is been a while since a saw a ladybug because they are not common where I live since I moved in 2015. It's too hot here, and they would't thrive (I guess that applies for me too.) I used to see a lod of the orange ones back home. They would visit me in school and during soccer games - I remember jogging out of the fiwld in the middle of the game to show them to my mother.


I am now in the middle of my exams period. I feel a bit anxious, but nothing very concerning, at least compared to previous years. I need to face things head on, now. I contemplate writing letters.

[31.10.24] - What Is Your Favorite Scary Movie?

Today is Halloween, yey. For the past week I've been in the mood of watching some horror movies and reading fanfiction of them. My entrance into the genre was probably the creppypasta stuff I was into when I was thirteen, which I know find very cringe, at least when I think about the little me. I've already watched 'Scary Movie' but I was a bit uncomfortable with the sea of sexual jokes - not a great experience overall. But, I like the 'Scream' series. Specially the first one and the VI, I think. I have a celebrity crush on Ethan, interpreted by Jack Champion, who - I was surprised to know - was Spider on the last Avatar movie.

I don't like horror/ slasher movies that are really scary, like Anabelle or The Nun. Specially if there's paranormal stuff or clowns. I only watch movies like 'Friday The 13th', because they are old and do not strike fear as the new ones do - the blood is an plastic shade of red and some scenes are so dumb they become funny. My brother wants to watch the new released Terroriser and I will not even get close to it. I don't want to deal with the nightmares and paranoia. Also, I've been getting into The Witcher. I don't play or anything like that, though I wish I could. The world building is very interesting and the character compeling. Like a darker version of Lord Of The Rings? I'm just getting to know it, but it has been a great experience so far.

Mom got better and it's now at home, on bed rest orders. Things are going well.

I noticed, fairly recently, that half of my top teeth are slightly crooked to the right. It's something I missed because it's only noticiable to me on selfies. I wish someone had said something, or my dentist corrected it before, even if I don't know if it's salvagable or not. I will try to forget about it, because this doesn't matter on the grand scheme of things, but it still bugs me a little in photos. Like when you realise that you see yourself differently than other people see you.

Agh, I am tired of studying. I hope this tests go smootlhy and that they end sooner than later.


ps: Me to Gerald: "Wait, they don't love you like I love you."