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[21.12.24] - Rural
We've just returned from our trip and I'm writing this. A lot has happened since I last wrote. We left Mara's house and spent hours on a bus and now we are at our destination - in the very south of the country, near the border with Uruguay, and things are very different here. The people have a different accent and the way of life is quite unique. We are staying with another "aunt and uncle" who have known my parents since before we were born, when they were in their twenties.
They have two German Shepherds and two Yorkies, which I will show you here. When we arrived, they decided to go to Gramado, a tourist town with a lot of German and Italian influence, which is beautifully decorated for Christmas. So we booked the air b&b, a rustic cottage, and got in the car in the morning.
(We made a lot of jokes saying that our cabin was very very rustic. The church was rustic, the car and the animals. My mom was deathly sfraid of worms.)
This aunt, she grew up on a farm and has been working with animals since she was a child. She knows a lot about these things, and when we got there, the guy, our host, was from the same small town as her. They both knew each other's families and we talked until one in the morning, even buying his homemade jam. The air was clean and the sounds of nature relaxing. We climbed the mountain so the stars were bright and beautiful. We got to Gramado and watched the Christmas parade, but it was so full! We couldn't see most of it because there was so many people there... But I've always wanted to visit, so there was a wish fullfiled, at least.
We only slept there one night and woke up this morning. We ate in the same restaurant we'd been to the day before, which was very good, visited the church, bought Brother some shoes and drove back. They were selling a medal of St George, but it was gold, so I decided to have a look before not buying one. I didn't even need dinner now, I was so full.
Christmas is only four days away - time flies.
[18.12.24] - Memories
So on the 15th we had our last test of the year. We had to get up at 5.30am and I hadn't slept a wink the night before. I don't know why I was so anxious, the other times I was much calmer and managed to sleep well. We spent the whole day at the university where the exams were held - we also had lunch there - and we probably got back to the hotel around 8pm. After that we had one more day before we had to go to a friend's house, and we spent it in the church and in the Holocaust museum.
There were a lot of Jewish immigrants who came here and it showed how much they suffered to escape Europe at that time. There was a man there with German ancestry and he translated the posters and magazines for his wife. The one I remember most was the story of a little boy, Mordechai Schlein, who played his family's Stradivarius violin after they were murdered and managed to smuggle a bomb into an SS party. He died a few years later.
Holocaust Museum
Then we went to Mara's house - she's the wife of our last headmaster - and we'll be here until tonight, when we'll get on another bus further south. Yesterday we were invited to play cards until dawn and visit some places. We went to a lake park, ate pastel, visited a Japanese garden and the shopping mall - where she bought me a Shiba Inu soft toy as a surprise. I got some Christmas cards that I will gift to my Mother and Brother, a new leash for Benny, a bag to put the sylvanian bunny, a 2025 schedule and another bike lock. Mara bakes very good cakes and her house is very nice - it has old furniture and tiles.
I think for someone seeing all of this, without context, it may seem that I go out a lot, or that I have many friends. But, most of the year I've spent my time at home or at the school studying, a very different picture of what is happening now.
I'm in a good mood, even though I miss home. After all the hustle and bustle of this year, the peace and quiet feels strange. I need to catch up on my hobbies, which have been neglected for far too long.
[14.12.24] - Writing
[12.12.24] - Liberty
I've never felt so much pain in my feet. Maybe it feels like when I had my first ballet performance on pointe shoes. It was worse then, but now it feels even worse. Things always feel more intense as they happen, I guess.
We are traveling south, but before we reach our destination, we had a day in Southwest, SP - the largest capital/state in the country. They have the second largest Japanese population outside of Japan, so I spent a lot of time shopping and such. For lunch, my brother and I had rice with some kind of sweet-tasting beef from an Asian place, and we had to learn how to use hashis on the spot - we sat on the sidewalk so everyone could see us fail to eat, and we had to persevere out of humiliation.
My haul was a Sylvanian Blind Bag (a baby bunny), a Melody plush keychain, and a little cat Yamato from OP. Not much, but I was afraid of spending too much. We also went to the Japanese Immigration Museum and man, did this trip make me want to buy a decent camera even more... My phone pictures suck (more on Gallery). The kimonos were beautiful and the samurai armor was pretty cool. While we were eating, we chatted with an old lady who was waiting for her daughter's Uber. I think her name was Isami, and she told me that her granddaughter's name was Naomi, and that she was two years and five months old. Isami told me that she married a man and moved here, but then he left her and her daughters. Now she goes back and forth to Japan at least four times a year to stay with her sister. She told me she was born there and went to college in Japan as well. It was a nice chat.
So we spent some time with Vera and then they accompanied us to the nearest train station so we wouldn't get lost. Now we are waiting for our bus, which will arrive in an hour. What awaits me is six hours of rest and sleep. It was a good trip, but I need to rest now. I just know that I will freeze - my body has accustomed itself with temperatures above 25 °C, so this will be a memorable Christmas, at least.
[11.12.24] - Figuring Things Out
[07.12.24] - Signs
Yesterday, when I was preparing to sleep, I went to my aunt's kitchen to refill my water bottle. But, when I was just about to pour the water, I saw a gigantic cockroach from the corner of my eye. I am very glad I did not scream, because almost everyone was already asleep, though I ran away faster than you could imagine. I absolutely detest them - God forgive me, but I wish they did not exist.
I know that if I had a gun in my hands, I would have shoot at that disgusting creature until I ran out of bullets. Because I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor, I was paranoid all night, fearing that one would crawl up to me. Just thinking of it makes me gag. So, it was not a fun night.
When I woke up today and got to the shower, I was wondering if I should wash my hair today or tomorrow when I saw a spot of red inside the shower booth. I was already finishing showering but was suddently like, 'No way, impossible!' I had to reach for my glasses because I am super blind, and bam! A ladybug! A red one at that. It's been years since I saw one, so you can imagine how happy I was. So afraid it would fly before I took some pictures, lol. I did, handle it for a bit, and it flew away. What a gift it was.
So, if you are having a bad day, remember that you never know what awaits for you tomorrow. A lot of insects is not always a bad thing.
[04.12.24] - Q&A
Q: #1 must-listen album?
A: I don't usually listen to complete albums. I prefer to pick out good songs from each one I like, but if I had to choose, it would probably be 'The Prince of Egypt Soundtrack' or 'Ella and Louis, 1954.'
Q: What's your favorite way to eat tomatoes?
A: I guess you read my about page lol. I prefer to eat tomatoes raw, not long after taking them out of the fridge, so they are still cold. To be honest, I don't think cooked tomatoes look very good, and the consistency is not appealing. I once saw a dish where they stuffed them with cheese - it was good, but strange. I also like them for lunch, as a sauce and as a salad. My favorite is when they're cut into tiny cubes, but I usually don't have the patience to cut them that way - I just cut them like apples.
Q: What's your current favorite manga?! Also, what's your favorite film?
A: I'm not currently reading any manga, but I started 'Slam Dunk' this year, and I liked it so far, even if I am only at the beginning of it. As for my favorite movie, I would say 'Whisper Of The Heart' by Studio Ghibli. It's certainly the one I've watched the most. As for non-animated ones, probably 'Dead Poets Society.'
Q: Do you have any New Year's resolutions/overall life goals?
A: I don't usually follow through with New Year's resolutions, or maybe mine are too mundane - be more productive, learn new things, exercise more, pick up a new language, etc. In January I started Russian and French on Duolingo and was pretty consistent for a while, until I dropped it. As for life goals, I really want to get accepted into university this year and to move out from my parent's house. To finally get into a relationship and to start getting serious with cycling. Also, I wish to get confident while driving, because though I got my license, I am too fearful to go out with the car.
Q: Is coding something you would only want as a hobby, or would you take it to a more professional level/setting? (sorry if you've talked about this before)
A: I really don't know. I am still deciding if I will follow through with the plan of applying for med school this year, but computer science / engineering was something that caught my eye. Sadly, I am not so good at math's of physics that I am confident enough for uni levels of calculations, so it's all still uncertain.
[27.11.24] - Inside Out
For the past couple of days, my brother and I have been sleeping on my room beacuse we have guests over. It's a bit challeging having to share sleeping spaces after so many years with our own rooms - since we became twelve - mostly because mine is a bit tiny, and his mattress and clothes ocuppate a lot of walking space, making my bedroom seem disorganized. It makes me anxious and irresonably angry to have my possessions moved around, I don't exactly know why. Maybe it's about losing them, or not knowing where they were put. We will have to travel again this weekend for another test. Honestly, I am beggining to get mentally and emotionally tired with all of the airports and staying over at another states - I wish this phase ends soon. I need to get out more, but there is no one to go our with. Being confined at home takes its tool on my introvert side, and seeing my family's faces very hour of the day can be exausthing. It's like the pandemic all over again.
I often get headaches from staring at screens while studying, but I don't have much else to do. All my projects are on hold this year. But I've brought my violin out of hiding! I have a lot of mixed feelings tied to classical music because of my childhood with competing classmates around it, but I still enjoy it in the right environment. Now I am learning the violin 'Sonata' by H. Eccles - a bit challenging after so many years, but still a good change of peace.
I hope Christmas will come soon - our town is mostly decorated, but I need more of the refreshing spirit of the season - the songs and the food too. Lately it seems that the days end too early and the daylight slips through my fingers. I wish the sun would set later here, and maybe I could enjoy my day more. There is still a lot of construction noise coming from the building across the street, but at least they stop around four, so I can get a little rest - and probably everyone else on the block. Today I've spent the day watching literature video classes, mostly on Machado de Assis' 'Contos Flumineses' - a collection of stories about the Burguoise of Rio de Janeiro, filled with a lot of sarcasm and irony.
Now, the sky is already dark, and the sound of cars and buses going home from work is slowly increasing. I decided to write here before dinner so that I would not be able to avoid posting this - if I did it later, it would not be done at all. A reluctance fills me when I try to write before bed, it's funny, really. But I always feel bad afterwards. As Clarice Lispector once expressed in 'Too Much Life Complete Chronicles' - "I want to be anonymous and private. I want to talk without talking - if such a thing is possible."
Yesterday, during Mass, the priest was talking about the Apocalypse - the book - and how some people don't want to read it for fear of their own mortality. It resonated with me when he talked about the freedom of not being afraid, of living life to the fullest, every single day. A fullness that is good, not afraid of the end of time. To be content. Anyway, it was nice to talk to the older people, and at one point - I almost forgot to add - the priest was a little stressed out by an older lady who wanted them to close the big curtains, even though the organizers had already told her it wouldn't make a difference. It was funny, but it must be a tough job dealing with the elderly. Poor guy.
This is a picture I took and edited of the statue of Mary that stands in front of our parish inside the hospital.
[22.11.24] - Reminiscence
I remember, when I was in fifth grade, that I tried to have a diary. It was one with a lock system based on voice, that had a mic integrated on the plastic hard box. Inside, there were just two slim notebooks that, if taken seriously, wouldn't have lasted a month. I didn't write much on it, and only years later in when I opened it in a fit of curiosity, I saw written in bold, 'I LIKE M.' - with the name of the boy I had a crush on. It was weird, as if someone else had put it in there, because I did not remember writing it, but my Mom found it both cute and hilarious, to my embarrassment. After that, there were other attempts with the invisible ink and old notebooks, though I guess they all failed because I always had the nagging sensation of a lack of privacy, or the fear io someone stumbling on it and reading all of my intimate thoughts. If I was told three years ago that I would be keeping an online diary, I wouldn't believe it. I like it - it makes me view the days as special, ordinary but not boring. It's great to be able to read this and remember things in great detail, and I wish I'd done it earlier.
I have been trying to find a specific 'Whisper of The Heart' song on the soundtrack for a while now. If I find it, I'll link it here. It's from the scene when Shizuku wakes up from her nightmare and the sun is coming through her window. She wakes up from a dream where she has to hurry up, which comes from the anxiety she has in real life, about studying, worrying about her parents, and following the path Seiji opened up inside her - to follow her aspirations in writing as he did with the violin craft. She holds something precious and beautiful, but it turns up to be just an illusion, becoming ugly and horrifying - dead, a life that never manages to live - and I think it represents her fears pretty well. She lies on the ground, and the atmosphere is of reflection, sadness and of endings, in general. But the coming of the morning represents new beginnings, and it's one of my favorite parts of the movie. I love the oboe, the way the theme song is slow and calm, instead of cheering. When I watch it, I always wait for this scene, and it manages to provoke a mixed feeling in my heart. Terribly moving, I believe it's a good description. The sound of acceptance, missing someone, and defeat. She looks at the book's picture of the luthier in prison, still doing what he loves, and thinks, 'Will I ever manage to be like that? To love something deeply, to do something as great as this?' and instantly thought about Seiji. I've been searching for the name of this song for an hour, with no success. Not on Spotify, YouTube or Reddit - just on the movie. It feels even more special, somehow.
[21.11.24] - Sandman, Give Me a Dream
Honestly, I did not want to write this entry. I am tired, and it's already eleven pm. Benny is lying beside my chair, probably waiting for me to turn the lights off so he can sleep. I wish I could just think the words and they'd be translated into the note taking app on the screen. But, writing makes me 'think' about what I am saying here, in a way that mindless daydreaming can't achieve.
My eyes and head are hurting from the time I've spent on my phone today. It's a bit sad, really. My only activities are studying and wasting time. I feel that, at this point on life, I should have more interesting stuff to do.
Brother is a problem, as always. I try to be mindful, but is hard. Though, let's not think about it for now. Yesterday Dad took me to the beach so that he could be with a friend from his time at the Military that he hasn't seen for a long while. Most of the time I spent chatting with his wife, about pets, the rise of violence in our city, her cute grandson and her experiences while traveling abroad. It was interesting, as most talks with older people tend to be. She almost got deported while in Dubai and her daughter is coming for a surprise visit to her mother. It was relaxing, even if the water was cold and the sand, hot.
I'm a bit hungry because I haven't eaten dinner for the past few days - Brother didn't go get the bread, again, so I had to content with an apple - the food from lunch it's too much, I think. I will probably buy it alone tomorrow and ride for a bit. I have now read half (59% if I want to be specific) of the book I've mentioned, 'Hardboiled & Hard Luck', and I'm looking forward to finishing it, even if I know that my review of it will be like scrambled eggs. It's one of those reads that you must take everything in stride and then read it again, just to be sure.
I need to get back to the rhythm I had going - spiritually and emotionally. I pray when I got to sleep, for people who I haven't even met. But it feels right, somehow. I wonder if it makes any difference in their life's. I hope it does.
[18.11.24] - Kitty, Kitty; Hello Kitty
Hello, I am alive. It's been a few days since I wrote anything here, because life has been pretty hetic lately. From the comfort of my home, I type this to let anyone who sees this know that everything went - mostly - fine, and that I am safe and sound, if not a bit battered.
(Everytime I enter this site somehow I surprise myself with a new couple of followers - not that I care about that type of thing, but it's a tangible way to realize that people do read this.)
I got to enjoy our trip, even if the long hours of sitting on a desk frying my brain got me like some zombie from 'The Walking Dead' - I spent some time shopping, going out with my aunt's daughter who is older than me by some years, and playing cards (learning poker!). We went to this big mall that had a lot of stuff and I bought a lof of bike acessories that I plan on using readily, just not today. I got an 'U' lock, a light, a phone holder, a new air pump and two 'Hello Kitty' keychains to use on the lock keys. All of this on 'Daiso' and 'Miniso'. I also got a new gym top with coverings, so I won't have to worry about chest marks, it you understand me.
I did well in the tests, and already know that I will have to travel again for one of them - the other I am not so sure. But, always praying and hoping. Surprisingly, there were a lot of bugs on this trip - sadly no ladybugs, I would've loved to see one. There were pretty flowers and trees, though, and I will probably store the photos on here somewhere when I have the time. Tragically, after we had to wake up at 2 AM with little no sleep to go to the bus station that would transport us to the airport, I got an upset stomach, and it was not a pretty sight at all... Very painful and gross, as this things tend to be. When we got to the airport I didn't even try to have breakfast, and Brother ended up eating mine. (Everything at the airport is super expensive, I felt robbed).
I was starving and tired, and we almost ended up missing our plane, being the last people to board - imagine our panic! Also, if I didn't mention, this is our first time traveling alone without parents of friends, so we were a bit nervous. We got in, and I got seated beside this lovely grandma and her daugther. They were so funny! Everyone on the plane, at least where I could hear and see, was very chatty and in an uplifting mood - there was a toddler crying for a while, but he was so cute that I forgot about it. The grandma ended up offering me candy, but I declined as I wasn't sure that my stomach was better. The plane shaked for a bit when we were in the process of landing, and everyone was kinda of laughing and she said to her daughter, "Next time we are taking the bus!".
It's a bit morbid, but when I get into a plane, I always think about dying. I always do a prayer when we take off, and feel a sense of gratitude and contentment. If I died then, I think it wouldn't have been so bad, even though I'm very happy that I did not haha. It's a recurring thought that I have to analyse later. I got home, showered, ate lunch and rested, but could not sleep. I started watching a movie with Dad, about the marathon tragedy in Boston, 2013. It was not something I knew about, so it was interest to be informed, even if it was so tragic. I will probably sleep soon. I did not go cycling today, and tomorrow I will go to Mass, so if I want to exercise I will have to do it earlier or in the morning. I want to test the lock and try to go swimming. Classes only restart at the 25th - finally, a bit of rest.
[13.11.24] - Doctor, There's Something In My Chest
Things have been going on so badly it almost seems comical, from an outside perspective.
First, I forgot to charge my phone, and woke up to a miserable 12% of battery. Dad got upset, because we got in the plane without saying goodbye - we were on the verge of being late and I would not take any chances. When I was leaving to go to the metal scanning, I almost cried after hugging Mom, and I wanted to go back to hug her again, but I just keep walking ahead, feeling like it was my first day of kindergarten. I slept all the way (2 AM to 6AM) and we almost had a stroke thinking that we lost the bus (9AM) and that we would have to wait on the airport until the next one, three hours later. In the end, things worked out.
Sadly, Mom and Dad are stressing at home because Benny has diarrhea and had made a mess of our living room. After a couple of hours inside the bus we got to our aunt's home unscathed and starving. She had a new dog that wouldn't stop barking at us. Right now I am at the balcony and there is a dove staring at me from the electric cables, while I watch some video classes. There are a lot of parrots here, and they're are loud. The brown dove is still there. The temperature here is colder, 18 to 16 Celsius, at least at morning and noon.
The sun is hiding, painting the sky as a fire, bright orange. I downloaded a new book that I saw someone here on Neocities recommending, as a review. It's a collection of short stories, Korean, I think. It's supposed to be sad, and I hope that it will match my current mood. I still have to shower, but it will be cold. It's weird, to realize that I have become unused to this type of things that were so common to me before. Cold showers, warm street lights, red soil, houses instead of big buildings. It used to hurt more, before, and I would have a heavy envy deep in my gut.
Now it's just numb.
[12.11.24] - Blindness (Ensaio sobre a Cegueira) by Jose Saramago
I woke up a bit late today, but still had to get up to let Benny out of my room and to turn off the AC (the energy it's pretty pricey). The past days I've been feelling awful, and I kinda hate myself right now - what a strong word to type down. Even knowing that this is the hormones talking, it never really manages to make me feel better. I still want the ground to swallow me whole. I will be traveling tonight for my other entrance exam, and I'm already dreading it. My mind is sluggish and I can't seem to concentrate in anything. I went for a bike ride to cheer myself up, but it didn't work. Now I have a migraine. I'm not a pleasant person to be around, now. I'm impatient, rude, sad, and grumpy. I just want to be forgotten.
I tried to finish a poem, but I didn't feel inspired. A house built with bad bricks. I'm lonely. I like being alone, but sometimes I crave someone to talk to. To be wrung dry and cry a bit. I wish I had a penpal - with a pen and paper. I like to write digitally because my handwriting isn't pretty. Writing to someone wouldn't be a problem. I would do it gladly. A lot of trust is needed, but it makes the act more authentic. It's more real; it's more of a leap of faith. It would be good to talk to someone without the awkwardness of a first encounter when you don't know someone well. To carry and to be carried; to care and to be cared for. I think it's great that you don't have to respond right away. I always felt anxious waiting to do something or waiting for someone to do something. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
While I was rididng, my vision was bad, and I couldn't see people's faces when they passed me by. It felt somewhat important and scary. Like I already talked about here, about my silly fear of going blind. My head is stuffed with cotton. My bag is done, and I will need to remember to take the chargers. I am a bit afraid of traveling alone with my brother more than I had with a friend. Maybe it's because I know that I'll have to be the responsible one now. What a burden to bear.
[11.11.24] - 'The Potato Eaters' by Vicent Van Gogh
For the past week, since I had my first days of exams, I had been feelling a horrible pain on my neck and shoulders. It was truly terrible, to the point where I couldn't look down. I went to bed in pain and woke even worse, and my mood was decreasing day by day. I was very stressed, nd maybe that's why things escaleted so quickly, to me. It was friday, I think - and I decided to cook something, a recipe I saw on instagram and that I'd been craving for a while, now. The problem is, that everytime I decide to make something, I always spend a lot of time in the kitchen and, in the end, my brother does not help me at all and always complain when he has to wash something more than his own cluttery. It was a dish made of potatoes and beef, that Dad brought with my request in mind.
Everything was fine, until everyone started to spill inside our little kitchen - Dad helping me peel the potatoes and Mom sitting just scrolling through her phone. My brother decided that juggling the potatoes on the air was a great idea, and I told him off. He was getting them dirty hen they would fall, and I was hopping to use them later, more so, he was occuping space and moving around the table we have in the middle of the room. I had told him multiples times to hand them over, please. You are getting them dirty, I said. Give them back. He did not. The pain on my neck was horrible and I had to crouch to try to get one that fell down, but he took it. Even writing about it makes me mad. I shouted that he was being an asshole, to just hand them over and he had the gal to talk to my parents - who were already shouting - that I was annoying him. And my Dad just said to let it go, and my Mom to let him be. I'd never felt such disgust directed at him before. I had to go to my room, and I almost cried from sheer emotion. At that moment, he was not family, at all. It also doesn't help that I am on my period, and everything feels worse when it shouldn't.
At that moment, I gave up on him. It's not just because of this, but for the compilations of the disregard he has for me. He doesn't respect me, he pushes me around, wants support when he doesn't care for my wellbeing, is ignorant, lazy to the point of having to be babied, do not respect my boundaries, doesn't help me around. He is very disrespectful towards my mother, because she lets him walk over her, and then she comes to me crying because of how he treats her, telling me to go talk to him. I won't be a part in this anymore. He could go fuck himself for all that I care. And she can go off this cliff she blindy walks to. I'd always told my parents that if they did nothing to change him, he would remain the same. I am not his mother, he is not my responsibility - I will not carry him on my back because he won't use his legs.
Anyways, I've been trying my best at ignoring him. He always try to get me mad, so that I would answer his questions that he is too lazy to search, but I wont't give a peep. He tries to push me around, but I won't give up. I am so angry and tired at him. But, mostly, disappointed on how he turned out.
This was a big rant, right? It's just that no one here takes me seriously. My Mom is too deep into her fantasy and my Dad too tired with the two of them complaining that he becomes passive and useless. Family, right? The only good thing that came out of this week was my four day streak on cycling, which was amazing. But I still have a lot of exams and I am mentally dead. I look in the mirror and I see sad, tired eyes. I wonder if anything that I am doing now matters. God, what am I doing with my life? I wish I went to see the sea this afternoon.
[07.11.24] - 'Till Death Tear Us Apart
Yesterday I was finally able to go cycling after, probably, two weeks. I put my foot down and told Dad that I wouldn't wait for him or my brother to acompany me anymore, because I was tired of being stood up - they where always tired or had plans. So, I went on my little adventure around the block. I hope now that Mom and Dad get used to me doing things on my own, even if I understand why they are concerned about me going alone. However, depending on someone to go out it's too stiffiling, and while I don't feel confident driving, cycling it's the best option to feel a little more free.
During my exercise, there were some guys taking photos of us, but I was too shy to go and ask about them, and now I feel a bit of regret - they were probably pretty cool. I didn't do my full circuit because I am a little out of shape, but it was enough. I always stop for a few minutes on the bridge that goes inside the sea, and I sit there looking at the water to rest. It's very peaceful, and the alone times is great. There was an old couple there, the grandmother in a wheelchair and her husband in a portable chair, and they were also gazing on the other side that I was at. I felt their love from afar, thinking about how hard it would be to move her there and the way they were talking.
I will probably buy a new bike a few weeks from now, when the tests slow down a bit. Besides Mom being recommended to exercise by her doctor, the one I am using now it's a bit too big and makes me strain my neck. And, the gait doesn't work. I am excited to get all the acessories to become more serious about cycling, specially a way to carry Benny around.
Now, I am a bit busy studying, and anxious about it. I want to eat well, exercise, and rest. Though, overall, everything is fine.
[04.11.24] - Surperstitions
Four is an unlucky number in Japan because it sounds like 'shi' (death). This is why there are two readings for the number four, 'shi' and 'yon'. Whenever possible, people try to avoid using the deathy one. The same is true for the 'ku'(nine) which sounds like the word related to suffering, agony or torture.
I often feel like I try to forget or silence myself about my bad thoughts or the things that make me uncorfortable or sad. Last year, during my first and only therapy session, I had a hard time trying to express myself and in the end, could only talk about the good parts of my life - my personal 'fours'. There are topics that even thinking about them make me melancolic so, instead, I always tell myself that they don't bother me, as if they don't exist at all.
Superstitions is not something I care about a lot - the only one that comes to mind is that when I ladybug lands on you, it means good luck. Or when you leave you shoes thrown on the floor, it means bad luck will befall your mother - but I don't belive in the last one anymore.
There is been a while since a saw a ladybug because they are not common where I live since I moved in 2015. It's too hot here, and they would't thrive (I guess that applies for me too.) I used to see a lod of the orange ones back home. They would visit me in school and during soccer games - I remember jogging out of the fiwld in the middle of the game to show them to my mother.
I am now in the middle of my exams period. I feel a bit anxious, but nothing very concerning, at least compared to previous years. I need to face things head on, now. I contemplate writing letters.
[31.10.24] - What Is Your Favorite Scary Movie?
Today is Halloween, yey. For the past week I've been in the mood of watching some horror movies and reading fanfiction of them. My entrance into the genre was probably the creppypasta stuff I was into when I was thirteen, which I know find very cringe, at least when I think about the little me. I've already watched 'Scary Movie' but I was a bit uncomfortable with the sea of sexual jokes - not a great experience overall. But, I like the 'Scream' series. Specially the first one and the VI, I think. I have a celebrity crush on Ethan, interpreted by Jack Champion, who - I was surprised to know - was Spider on the last Avatar movie.
I don't like horror/ slasher movies that are really scary, like Anabelle or The Nun. Specially if there's paranormal stuff or clowns. I only watch movies like 'Friday The 13th', because they are old and do not strike fear as the new ones do - the blood is an plastic shade of red and some scenes are so dumb they become funny. My brother wants to watch the new released Terroriser and I will not even get close to it. I don't want to deal with the nightmares and paranoia.
Also, I've been getting into The Witcher. I don't play or anything like that, though I wish I could. The world building is very interesting and the character compeling. Like a darker version of Lord Of The Rings? I'm just getting to know it, but it has been a great experience so far.
Mom got better and it's now at home, on bed rest orders. Things are going well.
I noticed, fairly recently, that half of my top teeth are slightly crooked to the right. It's something I missed because it's only noticiable to me on selfies. I wish someone had said something, or my dentist corrected it before, even if I don't know if it's salvagable or not. I will try to forget about it, because this doesn't matter on the grand scheme of things, but it still bugs me a little in photos. Like when you realise that you see yourself differently than other people see you.
Agh, I am tired of studying. I hope this tests go smootlhy and that they end sooner than later.
ps: Me to Gerald: "Wait, they don't love you like I love you."
[12.09.24] - Wheat or Grass
It has been a while since I posted a new entry here - a week, I think. I've been putting it off since the last few days, convincing myself to postpone it until tomorrow, but if I don't write this now, I won't do it any other time.
As usual, I got a cold yesterday, a recent theme amongst my rambling. I didn't do much, because I was feeling down, for reasons I don't wish to bestow upon this site. I don't want to remember it, so I won't leave it here. As of now, I am better, my nose is no longer clogged and my back don't seem to hurt anymore from when I took my bike to the beach.
Yesterday was one of my friend's birthday, from school. We have known each other for a while, seven years. At first, I didn't want to go - besides being sick I still had classes at noon, and I had to wake up early the next day. Though, I think I was just afraid. Afraid to see them, and feel like an outsider as we haven't seen each other for at least half a year, and others more than that. We got to the restaurant two hours later, but they were still there.
At the end, my fears were unfounded, and we all chatted as we were still in middle school. I've missed them. Missed this sensation of camaraderie, the company of people I am familiar with, the laughter, the teasing. The happiness that comes from being around a person that you can let loose. We stayed until the restaurant closed and we left together. The birthday boy (who turned twenty) carried what was left of the cake and two of our friends took an Uber home together. Me and my brother didn't get the chance to have dinner, just sweets, but honestly, it didn't matter. It has been a while since I've laughed so much.
My girl friend agreed to take me to the soccer match this Saturday, to watch and play volleyball. I am not sure it will happen, but I trust her. I hope everything goes alright. I am nervous. I am happy. It's weird, because I do not feel tired now, even if I went to sleep very late because of the party.
Because of the cold, I had to sit outside of some classes yesterday, and I was not very productive in the afternoon. I stayed under the spray of hot water for some minutes while I washed my hair, and it felt like a hug. When I feel guilty, I always try to numb myself. I think, It's nothing, it doesn't matter, so don't feel sad even when it does matter. I wish I did therapy, but I can't make myself spend more of my parent's money. I guess I do feel guilty, even if I try not to.
(Today there were clouds and the sky was a beautiful baby blue. I haven't seen The Cat for weeks, and I worry. I keep imagining that she was run over or that got lost. I hope she's alright.)
I got home, ate lunch (delicious) and promptly sleep for three hours. I feel more alive now. I finally got the time to use the hair removal cream my mom bought - I wanted to get rid of my arm hair for a while, and I can't wait to tan a bit this weekend to feel healthier as I bathe in the sunlight. After that I just studied, as always.
"What I'm more persuaded of every day is that those people who don't make wrestling with nature the main consideration do not get there.
I think that if one has tried to follow the masters attentively, one encounters them all at certain moments, deep in reality. I mean - what are called their creations - one will also see in reality to the extent that one has similar eyes similar sentiment to them. And so I also believe this, if the critics or connoisseurs were more familiar with nature, their judgement would be better than now, when it's the routine to live only among paintings and to compare them with one another.
Can't you understand that I may not be wrong in this - and to say even more clearly what I mean by it, isn't it a pity, for instance, that you seldom - or hardly ever now - go into those interiors, or associate with those people, or see those moods in the landscape that are painted in the paintings you find most beautiful? I don't say that you can do this in your position - just because one has to look long and hard at nature before one arrives at the conviction that what the great masters painted most movingly still has it's foundation in life and in reality itself. A basis of solid poetry that exists eternally as a fact, and can be found if one digs and searches deep enough.
If I make better work later, I still won't work otherwise than now; I mean it will be the same apple only riper, - I myself won't turn from what I have thought from the start. And this is why I say for my part, if I am no good now, I won't be any good later either - but if later, then now too. For wheat is wheat, even if it looks like grass at first to townsfolk - and the other way round too.
I'm still working on various heads and hands. I've also drawn some more, perhaps you will see something in them then again, perhaps not, what can I do about it? Again, I know no other way.
But I can't understand you when you say, perhaps we will also find something good later in the things you are doing now.
If I were you, I would have enough self-confidence and independent opinion to know whether or not I could see now what there was in a thing.
In short - decide that sort of thing for yourself." - Letters to Theo, Vincent Van Gogh
[04.09.24] - Telling My WHole Life With His Words
I dreamt today, which in itself is strange, because I haven't been able to do so in a while. Maybe the difference between now and then was just the two hours of additional sleep I had on Thrusday morning, or the fact that I went to the gym yesterday, but I'm not sure.
I had forgotten how weird dreams can be. Nothing makes sense, but it's also understandable at the same time, like a children's drawing, I think. Remembering it is also a surprise - which I'm almost sure that can be attributed to the alarm tune of this morning - 'Clair The Lune', instead of the drums that somehow made into the 'Peaceful Sleep' playlist I chose for my clock.
Anyway, for the dream - the part that is more alive inside my memories is about how our apartment was a boat. Inside was the same as always, cream concrete walls, sofas, our TV, even the piano was there. But looking out of the windows of the balcony, I could only see the greenish waters of the sea. It wasn't deep, our boat-house. It looked like we could still stand up if we got into the ocean from where we were, but we remained inside and just watched people swimming with colorful floats. It was, now that I look back, awfully the same as that scene of Ponyo where the kids go searching for Sosuke's mom. Then, there was great waves that forced us, from our place in the sofa bellow the windows, to close them hurriedly trying to stop the water from flooding our home boat. They were made of clear glass, so it was frightening to see the strength of the water as it rocked us.
The scene changed suddently, and next second I was next to our car and then, at a platform directly above the water, like a sidewalk that stretches deep. There was a girl with a scary paper clown balloon, and after avoiding her - because I am deathly afraid of clowns - in the corner of my eye I saw something move inside the dark waters. It was a shark, an enormous one that had a lot of bruises, battle scars.
I remember that I tried to get people out of the platform, but there were kids laughing and trowing fish to it, and before I knew, the shark ate one boy. It was horrifying, but muted, like all dreams that aren't full nightmares are. I was almost waking up when the scene changed, and I was inside the home boat again. The waters now were a clear blue, instead of the algae green from before. We sailed as if going to the shore, the opposite way from the start of my sleep. I could still see people in the water, despite the accident that just passed. I saw a shark, but everyone was calm. The shark was smaller, but somehow more peaceful than the one I had seen. It just swam between the people without bothering anyone.
I pressed my face against the windows, and just looked ahead, the opposite way of the afternoon sun. The sky was golden. And then, I woke up.
Besides my dream, I've been feeling down since last month. Demotivated and worthless. Even if I'd thought that this unbearable lack of energy and contentment was a product of my oscillating hormones, now I wonder if they stem from something deeper. My lack of confidence is something I've battled for a while, since I got into my middle school, or even before. There was always this felling of competition that permeated everyone, fighting for the first place of the year, the promotions that came from the highest grades. I could never achieve one, even if I came very close, I always had my grades above 8,5/10. I think being compared to some of my classmates that were truly genius people affected me more than I'll never know. It makes things rotten, like plaging violin. I still remember how truly humiliated I felt when my mom got out of the auditorium after I got the music wrong, how some of the other woman tried to confort me while I sat down crying. I was only ten.
And now, in this time of my life where competition is the most important thing, it has been all crashing down on me again. I feel like crying, but my nose is already clogged and I am sick, so I will just endure, like always.
[31.08.24] - Diamonds and Pearls
Wow, I'm almost falling asleep while typing this...It's already midnight and I woke up at eight, so you can see why I'm a bit tired. Fortunetly, this morning I didn't have any classes, and tomorrow is free of mock tests - I will finally have a Sunday for myself. Today, after eating two bananas for breakfeast, I watched the rest of 'The First Slam Dunk' that I didn't finished last week. I started the manga some months ago, but haven't picked up for a while. Still, I wanted to watch it to give me a motivation boost to continue reading it. And it worked - the movie was so good! SUper emotional and dramatic, plus the animation was gorgeous. I don't know the characters very well yet, but the movie does a pretty good job to get you invested. It portrays sports competition so well that there were times that I was cheering for Sannoh instead of Shohoku.
After that, me and Dad went to walk on the beach - I wanted to run after our previous failed attempt. It was so sunny his eyes started to hurt, so we decided to just walk for some time. The tide was low, perfect to catch some marine animals, pure luck. The water was clean and I felt like I was on those fancy aquariums where you can touch some of the starfish - but with no starfish. I caught one sea snail that was on top of some corals and two baby hermit crabs, and we waited some minutes to see them coming out of their shells before puttiing them back. 
There were some guys who went deep into the water to go fishing, but the fish were probably not so big. Me and Dad spent twenty minutes trying to hunt a siri (blue crab) that we found eating another crab's remains. They have blue and red back legs that are perfect for swimming, so he was super fast and hid himself into the sand so we had to wait until he moved to find him. We had to use our sandals, because Dad was concerned that he would pinch me and, after a long time and many failures, we suceeded! I caught him with my hands, and for our shock, he didn't have pinchers! Our caution was all for nothing lol. Sadly, I didn't bring my cheap phone with me to take pictures, so you will have to contend with my story-telling abillities.
After I let him go, we drank one coconut each (that were super price inflated!) and I ran for two minutes before getting tired and going back home. Lunch was pretty great (my mom is a awesome cook) and I spent the afternoon studying. I got to edit more of my new homepage that I want to post here soon and now I'm trying to sleep.
Today was a great day. I'm grateful to be alive.
[26.08.24] - Old and New
I went to sleep late again yesterday, despite knowing that I would wake up tired. I always think, 'No, tomorrow will be different - I can enjoy my night,' but it's a lie, and I know. I am foolish and this is the type of silly mistakes that get me a tired and moody, like now, having problems focusing on classes.
I fear a lot and I have the habit of hiding from things that make me anxious. Constantly avoidance, like a turtle living inside it's shell. As I said before, it's too difficult to take the jump, without knowing if the floor it's too far down. I fear of going blind, but it's a irrealistic terror of mine. I find .myself having to press my eyes closed to read the white board and street signs. I can't recognize letters from a few feet far from where I stand, and it scares me.
I'm probably fucking up my vision more and more while using electric stuff, like my ipad and phone. I want to read more physical books, but they are expensive and too heavy to carry around. Of course, further down the line surgery is a possible solution, but I don't like to think about hospitals too much, even thought I'm studying to have a chance to become a doctor. I wish I didn't have to, or feel obligated to. Though, after so long, I can't seem to differentiate at what point other's desires end and mine begin.
Yesterday, in the morning, me and Dad went for a walk by the beach. This time we stayed by the sidewalk, and didn't step on the sand - the tide was high, covering all the stones the marine animals habitat. I wanted to stretch my legs a bit, but there was already a race happening, so I couldn't go to the track, sadly.
I got home, ate, and promptly slept for three hours. I was so tired! But I'm guilty that I did not study too much today. I will try to be more responsible tomorrow. I will be.
The image displayed here is of my childhood plushie bunny, Pirata (Pirate). He is pretty old, around 19 years of age. I really can't remember the reason behind his name, but I think it suits him (it's a him, despite the pink color). I dragged him from his hiding place up on my shelves and boy, isn't he dirty! His feet were slashed, so I had to learn how to sew so I could treat his wounds. It's a bit botched, but everything is closed and firm, so nobody can complain against my first needle job. I will probably use a bit of fabric to cover it up later, but now he is fine as he is in my bed.
