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24.10.24 - Bleeding Heart Dove
Mom is in the hospital because of a surgery. I'm pretty sure it was a spine one, but my parents are awfully vague about this type of things - just recently I knew about her heart problems. She was supposed to be back today, but she fainted just when she was about to get discharged. Mom is fine now, though I still felt pretty horrible when I came to know about it.
I tried to call her again, for the third time today, but she already went to sleep. I hope she gets well enough tomorrow to be back. If she is discharged late, me and my brother will go to visit her, if not, we well wait at home. I feel afraid that she will have any kind of problem. I don't really care if anything happens to me, not compared to my parents or brother. It's a constant fear I have, of losing them. Their being older doesn't help it either. I worry for them. I think about me graduating or getting married, having children, and they not being there and it absolutely crushes me. So, I try not to dewlve into it. Just one day at a time.
My headache it's not better, and I find it hard to sleep and study. I feel awful, but even more when I think about Mom. I feel selfish and egoistical about feeling bad about myself when all if this is happening.
I can't concentrate and I feel bad all the time. I can't sleep on the afternoon beacuse of the construction noise, and at night I can't beacuse my brain won't stop. I go to school and don't absorb anything. I wish I was different, like the girl I was before this wave of sadness hit me front on. I think I need a really cold shower, to see if I wake up from this type of coma I am experiencing now. I need to go cycling, but Dad is tired and busy with Mom now. I feel selfish. Worthless, when I think about myself when Mom is in the hospital. I wish I could hug her now. I will do it tomorrow, hug her very tightly. I say that I love her everyday. I hope she knows it. I hope for many things.
23.10.24 - As A Rock Bears The Weather
And my head aches a little, and my heart a little more.
I am tired. I would like to be a mountain, a tree, a stone.
I feel numb. I guess it's what poeple who do drugs chase after, this sensation of water filling your ears and hands clasped over your eyes. I exist, and I don't, at the same time. I am here, but also not. I am not present. Is it normal to get on a plane or a car and just think about dying? I don't know. I wake up before my alarm and want to cry. My brain is exausthed. My head feels like is made of cotton and my stomach is heavy with lead. I slept, but I am not rested. The wind howls like a sick dog.
In my dreams, I am a failure. In them, I don't want to wake up. I am greedy and selfish. My head feels like is made of drums.
20.10.24 - Country Road, Take Me Home
I've been traveling for the past four days because of a test this weekend, today actually. I am with a friend in a state I've never been before, but it has been great so far. For the first time I saw Araras in the wild, and it was a bit surreal. I've only seen them in parks or zoos before. They are pretty, but very loud.
I did the test this afternoon, and I'd like to think that things will go well but I am not really sure. I feel that I could have done better, and I think too much about these type of pesssimistic thoughts. We got back to the place we're staying and ate pizza, and tomorreow we will travel back home, after 4 hours of flying. I feel tired, and haven't been motivated to write, as I said before. At home, life feels like its placed inside a bubble, and that I can only view things through the big picture when I leave - it's not a great sensation. I am sleepy. I wonder if this was just a waste of money and time. I got 48 out of 60. There is also the article. Will I be enough?
I've been waking up before 5 AM, I guess because I was afraid that I would sleep in and loose the precious time I had for studying. I wake up and can't sleep. I dream about bikes and cycling, which I haven't been able to do in a while, which it's weird that I can now, being sleep deprived and everything. My brain is fried. We will have to wake up early tomorrow to go to the airport - I will sleep on the plane. My blog has become boring, I think. I just talk about sleep, study and how tired I am all the time. I am praying a lot more recently, too - it helps with antecipation, not really anxiety, because I am becoming desensitized to tests by now. When I get home I will wash my hair, the climate here is colder, and it makes me want to stay burried under the blankets. There is also purple trees here, that I find strange, because I always associate the color to industrialism and chemistry, the unnatural. This entry is probably a mess. I am tired.
13.10.24 - She Who Appears
I really wish I wasn't always so tired when I write this entries. I have so much to type but I don't have the energy to put it all here, almosy as if when I make the words into real words, not just inside my head, the memories somehow lose some of the importance and authencity they had. It's silly, and I know I would regret not writing about my day sometime later. So, here I am.
This is the final month before The Month, when I will have all the important tests that I've been prepating for all year, even though I often find myself lacking. The past few days have been hard, with little no motivation, lack of sleep, and everything else, life has been with its uphills. I don't trust myself and there is only one person that takes the blame. My mom getting us out of the gym may have also contributed to this - for her, two daays a week of exercise wasn't enough. Because of that, now my leg pain made a comeback, and the lack of endorfins is messing up my brain, I fear. That's why I went cycling today. I wish our city had a better infraestructure centered around bikes, so I could go our more. Right now I only goto the beach, which gets boring quickly. Maybe someday I'll go to the park, but how I will transport the bike there remains unknown.
I am almost falling asleep, despite drinking coffee this afternoon. After going to church, we got home and ate a pizza and I watched this amazing video, 1 Year Cycling from Alaska to Mexico , about a couple who did as the title said. It inspired me so much, it crazy! I am feeling better now, and will problably soon go to sleep. If you can, please pray for my upcoming tests, and goodnight!
07.10.24 - Desire Is A Kind Of Death
I've been feeling hungry during the last few days. Maybe that's because my diet consisted on high calorie foods that fill up my stomach. Yesterday was my first day of voting, not for president, just for provincial prefects and councilors. It was all pretty fast, and I got to rest in during a Sunday after some time not being able to. I made pasta with white sauce (one of the few things I know how to cook) and it came out delicious, if I say so. That's why I won't be staying at the school library today, I want to eat it at home.
After I went out to vote, me and Dad went to the beach so I could swim for a bit. There were a lot more people than the other times, and Dad saw a big fish jumping out of the sea! I wish I had seen it... Because the tide was high it was not possible to catch any small animals, so we just sat down and chatted before I went to the watter for a few minutes. Then, we bought ice cream (they didn't have lemon, sadly) and went back home. This Saturday was Dad's birthday, and we went to a Karaoke with family friends. It was a good night, and I ate a lot, because we had spent the morning at school for a mock test.
Because I rested a lot during this weekend I hope I will be able to study a lot to prepare for the upcoming entrance exams. This is my last chance to get in, and I feel bad constantly about making my parent's pay for my preparation. I worry a lot about money, even if we are in a good position right now and haven't lacked for anything. I think coming from a public school to suddenly paying a lot more made me think this way. Still, I worry and feel guilty and undeserving. I don't wat to write about this sad things here.
I need to do better.
03.10.24 - The S's
Study, Sleep and Sad.
30.09.24 - Re-using
This Saturday, I suddenly got the urge to get new clothes. This is super random, but I have to say that I am not into the heavy fashion knowledge or trends, but I do appreciate vintage and y2k clothes from the 90's and 2000's. They are nostalgic to me, and way more appealing than the usual things I found in stores today - one color clothes that have the same cut. But, I don't like spending a lot of money on buying clothes, so I was going to just thrift them.
I was prepared - searched for the best places to go etc., but when I was going to tell mom, somehow we ended up going through her closet and man, there were treasures hidden there! I found a lot of her clothes that didn't fit her anymore that were perfect for me. I will probably end up making a fashion page here, because I like them so much. And the best part is that I didn't have to pay for them, lol. Also, we went to the mall and I got some jewelry, and my favorite part was the ladybug earrings and necklace. In the afternoon we decided to paint the rest of my hair that was still red, despite our previous attempts to make it darker, and now my head is pure black. My fingers are still stained with dye, and the priest in our church laughed when he saw them - the first thing he asked me was what project with paint did I do to make them look like that. He also said his sister used ashes to get them out.
And I finally bought the tanning water that I will use tomorrow! I will talk about the results here after. Today I woke up very tired, and didn't sleep well at all... But I am up after a good cup of coffee, so there's that. Here were some dresses that I found very beautiful at the mall (but they were super expensive).
25.09.24 - The Seller of Pasts
Woke up well, today. Probably the fifth week on my Sleeping Without The AC series and, so far, I find myself happier when I feel the cold breeze coming from the tiniest opening of my window - anything more will wake me up at five, because here the sun rises early. Today I went to the school with a diferent shirt and decided to stay the afternoon there for studying. I feel more focused and less tired on the library, and I finish a lot more than if I was at home. So, I stayed there until 5 pm before Dad, Brother and Benny came to pick me up.
My brother did not go, because he had an upset stomache, so I spent the day alone, enjoying my own company. Today is Wednesday, so I washed my hair and now I am waiting for the last class of the day to start, before having dinner. I already drank my Whey, so I am not famished, but I am waiting eargely for it to finish so I can eat.
Also, I tried updating my blog page on Neocities but the site wasn't working, so I will probably post this later.
Days are slow, but they are still precious, like tiny snails that you watch passing by.
23.09.24 - Gold Or Siver
As you may have already known, my notebook - primary element I use for coding - is on the tech hospital as I write this. That was the beggining of my journey to find a way to continuing to edit this site without it. So, as of now, I am using my ipad and the keyboard that came with it.
I've been mostly using Codepen for the past year, and it has served me well. But, one think I can't stand is the public aspect of it - to make your code private, you have to subscribe to premium and pay. I don't want random people using the code I spent days crafting and making it personal, or even looking at it under the wrong circunstances (outside of Neocities).
That is why I downloaded Koder. I miss the instant live preview, but I'm liking all the features so far. Anything for the absensce of public sharing my wips. For the past two or three months I've been making a new homepage, but I grew to dislike it in the present day... Lacking the proper time to create a cool and complicated site made me appreciate modest and minimalistic templates even more. So that is why I renovated it around here. I don't want to overly concern myself with colors of aesthetics - I will be focusing only on the important things, now.
Maybe this will help me be actually consistent on my updates, or maybe not. As of the happenings of while I was gone, there is a lot that happened. Me and Dad went to the beach again, and I finally got to take some pictures. The water was pretty cold and the sun was scorching but I managed to find some small guys that were funny looking. I will place the photos bellow.
Sometime over the past week my mom invited some of her friends to a dinner here at home. I could only talk to them after my classes were over, but I gossiped for hours with one of the aunts I was more familiar with. We talked about her family problems, with her daughter-in-law and her late husband's aunt. She is a widow, but you could never know it by looking at her - she is full of life. It was a laughter inducing conversation that made me go to sleep late, lol. We also talked about beauty standarts and plastic surgery, now that I remember things more clearly.
Also, the building I live has started its renovations, so every day my brain gets assalted by construction noises. I am a bit surprised that I've managed to sleep through it.
Just thinking about moving all of my blog entries here alredy makes me tired. I will endure, somehow.
17.09.24 - Oh, Sea! How much of your salt is made of our tears?
So, I did go to the outing. It was pretty cool and I had a lot of fun. There were at least twenty people there, and I went to school with 95% of them, so I was among close friends.
At first, we were supposed to go with one of our friends but at the last minute he fucked up and pissed his mother off a d we ended up going with Dad and with another friend. When we got there the guys were waiting outside the club, and we're denied entry until the person who lived there, our female friend Ana, got there. We had to wait a hour lol.
After that we got to play volleyball on the sand while most of the guys played soccer. And I did so badly it was humiliating. Also, the ball was so full of air that my arms got red after ten minutes of the game. I think I haven't played for about two years, so it was cool to get back to it.
We played for about two hours and, while we were resting, some guys took our field! They even lied about reservation and we believed them. Ana managed to get another but I left with five friends to play cards instead.
We sat on the table beside the pool and I learned a new deck game. But it was so windy I got cold and to think I wanted to go swimming. The whole game lasted at least three hours and then we singed Happy Birthday to the friend of the party on Thursday and ate chocolate cake.
We got to chat for some time before the seven pizzas came, and it was already eleven pm when we left.
Today I woke up at eight after sleeping without the ac again. I ate breakfast with Dad and Benny, because my brother and Mom were still asleep. I wanted to go to the beach but there was already a canoeing competition in which the mother of one of our friends was participating, so we went to see it. I managed to take some really cool photos, but we weren't able to stay long enough to see her competing because today I had a mock exam in the afternoon.
I did my nails on Friday by myself, and they turned out cute.
But, recently, I have been feeling down again, which I am going to blame on my hormones. It is still hard, and I am not sleeping very well. It is horrible, even. It seems as if my brain is going one hundred percent all the time, and I end up thinking too much. I think too much, and it feels like a curse. I didnt even had the motivation to post this entry on the correct time - it mattered so little and I looked at the computer screen for a while before shutting it off.
12.09.24 - Wheat or Grass
It has been a while since I posted a new entry here - a week, I think. Ive been putting it off since the last few days, convincing myself to postpone it until tomorrow, but if I dont write this now, I wont do it any other time.
As usual, I got a cold yesterday, a recent theme amongst my rambling. I didnt do much, because I was feeling down, for reasons I dont wish to bestow upon this site. I dont want to remember it, so I wont leave it here. As of now, I am better, my nose is no longer clogged and my back doesnt seem to hurt anymore from when I took my bike to the beach.
Yesterday was one of my friends birthday, from school. We have known each other for a while, seven years. At first, I didnt want to go - besides being sick I still had classes at noon, and I had to wake early the next day. But I think I was just afraid. Afraid to see them, and feel like an outsider as we havent seen each other for at least half a year, and others more than that. We got to the restaurant two hours later, but they were still there.
At the end, my fears were unfounded, and we all chatted as we were still in middle school. Ive missed them. Missed this sensation of camaraderie, the company of people I am familiar with, the laughter, the teasing. The happiness that comes from being around a person that you can let loose. We stayed until the restaurant closed and we left together. The birthday boy (who turned twenty) carried what was left of the cake and two of our friends took an Uber home together. Me and my brother didnt get the chance to have dinner, just sweets, but honestly, it didnt matter. It has been a while since Ive laughed so much.
My girl friend agreed to take me to the soccer match this Saturday, to watch and play volleyball. I am not sure it will happen, but I trust her. I hope everything goes alright. I am nervous. I am happy. It is weird, because I do not feel tired now, even if I went to sleep very late because of the party.
Because of the cold, I had to sit outside of some classes yesterday, and I was not very productive in the afternoon. I stayed under the spray of hot water for some minutes while I washed my hair, and it felt like a hug. When I feel guilty, I always try to numb myself. I think, It is nothing, it doesnt matter, so dont feel sad even when it does matter. I wish I did therapy, but I cant make myself to spend more of my parents money. I guess I do feel guilty, even if I try not to.
(Today there were clouds this morning and the sky was a beautiful baby blue. I havent seen The Cat for weeks, and I worry. I keep imagining that she was run over or that she got lost. I hope she is alright.)
I got home, ate lunch (delicious) and promptly sleep for three hours. I feel more alive now. I finally got the time to use the hair removal cream my mom bought - I wanted to get rid of my arm hair for a while, and I can’t wait to tan a bit this weekend to feel healthier as I bathe in the sunlight. After that I just studied, as always.
"What I'm more persuaded of every day is that those people who don't make wrestling with nature the main consideration do not get there.
I think that if one has tried to follow the masters attentively, one encounters them all at certain moments, deep in reality. I mean - what are called their creations - one will also see in reality to the extent that one has similar eyes similar sentiment to them. And so I also believe this, if the critics or connoisseurs were more familiar with nature, their judgement would be better than now, when it is the routine to live only among paintings and to compare them with one another.
Can't you understand that I may not be wrong in this - and to say even more clearly what I mean by it, isn't it a pity, for instance, that you seldom - or hardly ever now - go into those interiors, or associate with those people, or see those moods in the landscape that are painted in the paintings you find most beautiful? I don't say that you can do this in your position — just because one has to look long and hard at nature before one arrives at the conviction that what the great masters painted most movingly still has its foundation in life and in reality itself. A basis of solid poetry that exists eternally as a fact, and can be found if one digs and searches deep enough.
If I make better work later, I still won't work otherwise than now; I mean it will be the same apple only riper, - I myself won't turn from what I have thought from the start. And this is why I say for my part, if I am no good now, I won't be any good later either - but if later, then now too. For wheat is wheat, even if it looks like grass at first to townsfolk - and the other way round too.
I am still working on various heads and hands. Ive also drawn some more, perhaps you will see something in them then again, perhaps not, what can I do about it? Again, I know no other way.
But I can't understand you when you say, perhaps we will also find something good later in the things you are doing now.
If I were you, I would have enough self-confidence and independent opinion to know whether or not I could see now what there was in a thing.
In short - decide that sort of thing for yourself." Letters to Theo, Vincent Van Gogh
04.09.24 - Killing Me Softly With His Song
I dreamt today, which in itself is strange, because I haven't been able to do so in a while. Maybe the difference between now and then was just the two hours of additional sleep I had on thrusday morning, or the fact that I went to the gym yesterday, but I'm not sure.
I had forgotten how weird dreams can be. Nothing makes sense, but it's also understandable at the same time, like a children's drawing I think. Remembering it is also a surprise - which I'm almost sure that can be attributed to the alarm tune of this morning - Clair The Lune, instead of the drums that somehow made into the 'Peaceful Sleep' playlist I chose for my clock.
Anyway, for the dream - the part that is more alive inside my memories is about how our apartment was a boat. Inside was the same as always, cream concrete walls, sofas, our TV, even the piano was there. But looking out of the windows of the balcony, I could only see the greenish waters of the sea. It wasn't deep, our boat-house. It looked like we could still stand up if we got into the ocean from where we were, but we remained inside and just watched people swimming with colorful floats. It was, now that I look back, awfully the same as that scene of Ponyo where the kids go searching for Sosuke's mom. Then, there was great waves that forced us, from our place in the sofa bellow the windows, to close them hurriedly trying to stop the water from flooding our home boat. They were made of clear glass, so it was frightening to see the strength of the water as it rocked us.
The scene changed suddently, and next second I was next to our car and then, at a platform directly above the water, like a sidewalk that stretches deep. There was a girl with a scary paper clown balloon, and after avoiding her - because I am deathly afraid of clowns - in the corner of my eye I saw something move inside the dark waters. It was a shark, an enormous one that had a lot of bruises, battle scars.
I remember that I tried to get people out of the platform, but there were kids laughing and trowing fish to it, and before I knew, the shark ate one boy. It was horrifying, but muted, like all dreams that aren't full nightmares are. I was almost waking up when the scene changed, and I was inside the home boat again. The waters now were a clear blue, instead of the algae green from before. We sailed as if going to the shore, the opposite way from the start of my sleep. I could still see people in the water, despite the accident that just passed. I saw a shark, but everyone was calm. The shark was smaller, but somehow more peaceful than the one I had seen. It just swam between the people without bothering anyone.
I pressed my face against the windows, and just looked ahead, the opposite way of the afternoon sun. The sky was golden. And then, I woke up.
Besides my dream, I've been feeling down since last month. Demotivated and worthless. Even if I'd thought that this unbearable lack of energy and contentment was a product of my oscillating hormones, now I wonder if they stem from something deeper. My lack of confidence is something I've battled for a while, since I got into my middle school, or even before. There was always this felling of competition that permeated everyone, fighting for the first place of the year, the promotions that came from the highest grades. I could never achieve one, even if I came very close, I always had my grades above 8,5/10. I think being compared to some of my classmates that were truly genius people affected me more than I'll never know. It makes things rotten, like plaging violin. I still remember how truly humiliated I felt when my mom got out of the auditorium after I got the music wrong, how some of the other woman tried to confort me while I sat down crying. I was only ten.
And now, in this time of my life where competition is the most important thing, it has been all crashing down on me again. I feel like crying, but my nose is already clogged and I am sick, so I will just endure, like always.
31.08.24 - Sea Shanties
Wow, I'm almost falling asleep while typing this...It's already midnight and I woke up at eight, so you can see why I'm a bit tired. Fortunetly, this morning I didn't have any classes, and tomorrow is free of mock tests - I will finally have a Sunday for myself. Today, after eating two bananas for breakfeast, I watched the rest of 'The First Slam Dunk' that I didn't finished last week. I started the manga some months ago, but haven't picked up for a while. Still, I wanted to watch it to give me a motivation boost to continue reading it. And it worked - the movie was so good! SUper emotional and dramatic, plus the animation was gorgeous. I don't know the characters very well yet, but the movie does a pretty good job to get you invested. It portrays sports competition so well that there were times that I was cheering for Sannoh instead of Shohoku.
After that, me and Dad went to walk on the beach - I wanted to run after our previous failed attempt. It was so sunny his eyes started to hurt, so we decided to just walk for some time. The tide was low, perfect to catch some marine animals, pure luck. The water was clean and I felt like I was on those fancy aquariums where you can touch some of the starfish - but with no starfish. I caught one sea snail that was on top of some corals and two baby hermit crabs, and we waited some minutes to see them coming out of their shells before puttiing them back. 
There were some guys who went deep into the water to go fishing, but the fish were probably not so big. Me and Dad spent twenty minutes trying to hunt a siri (blue crab) that we found eating another crab's remains. They have blue and red back legs that are perfect for swimming, so he was super fast and hid himself into the sand so we had to wait until he moved to find him. We had to use our sandals, because Dad was
concerned that he would pinch me and, after a long time and many failures, we suceeded! I caught him with my hands, and for our shock, he didn't have pinchers! Our caution was all for nothing lol. Sadly, I didn't bring my cheap phone with me to take pictures, so you will have to contend with my story-telling abillities.
After I let him go, we drank one coconut each (that were super price inflated!) and I ran for two minutes before getting tired and going back home. Lunch was pretty great (my mom is a awesome cook) and I spent the afternoon studying. I got to edit more of my new homepage that I want to post here soon and now I'm trying to sleep.
Today was a great day. I'm grateful to be alive.
26.08.24 - Pirate
I went to sleep late again yesterday, despite knowing that I would wake up tired. I always think, 'No, tomorrow will be different - I can enjoy my night,' but it's a lie, and I know. I am foolish and this is the type of silly mistakes that get me a tired and moody, like now, having problems focusing on classes.
I fear a lot and I have the habit of hiding from things that make me anxious. Constantly avoidance, like a turtle living inside it's shell. As I said before, it's too difficult to take the jump, without knowing if the floor it's too far down. I fear of going blind, but it's a irrealistic terror of mine. I find .myself having to press my eyes closed to read the white board and street signs. I can't recognize letters from a few feet far from where I stand, and it scares me.
I'm probably fucking up my vision more and more while using electric stuff, like my ipad and phone. I want to read more physical books, but they are expensive and too heavy to carry around. Of course, further down the line surgery is a possible solution, but I don't like to think about hospitals too much, even thought I'm studying to have a chance to become a doctor. I wish I didn't have to, or feel obligated to. Though, after so long, I can't seem to differentiate at what point other's desires end and mine begin.
Yesterday, in the morning, me and Dad went for a walk by the beach. This time we stayed by the sidewalk, and didn't step on the sand - the tide was high, covering all the stones the marine animals habitat. I wanted to stretch my legs a bit, but there was already a race happening, so I couldn't go to the track, sadly.
I got home, ate, and promptly slept for three hours. I was so tired! But I'm guilty that I did not study too much today. I will try to be more responsible tomorrow. I will be.
The image displayed here is of my childhood plushie bunny, Pirata (Pirate). He is pretty old, around 19 years of age. I really can't remember the reason behind his name, but I think it suits him (it's a him, despite the pink color). I dragged him from his hiding place up on my shelves and boy, isn't he dirty! His feet were slashed, so I had to learn how to sew so I could treat his wounds. It's a bit botched, but everything is closed and firm, so nobody can complain against my first needle job. I will probably use a bit of fabric to cover it up later, but now he is fine as he is in my bed.
24.08.24 - First Love / Late Spring
The itch to renovate this site has stricked me again - that's why things are pretty new around here.
Yesterday I get home, had lunch and blacked out on my bed until 6 pm. After I woke up super groggy, I watched some physics classes and me and Mom watched the movie Red Sparrow. The movie was good, but it had a lot of sex, gore and torture scenes. We ended up staying awake till 1 am, but luckly today is saturday and my only class started at nine. My new mouse got here a few days ago - I had to buy it because my older one had problems connecting, so I had to spend five minutes moving the usb cable up and down until it connected right. It's still usb, but without the cable, and it also has rainbow led colors! Sadly, I didn't go to the gym this week because I have been brain dead from my irregular hormones - it has been a pain trying to focus on classes.
Also, after watching Deadpool vs Wolverine (I think this was the title but I'm not sure) my X-men hiperfixaxion ressurfaced - manly for my fellow catholic boy, Kurt Wagner aka Nightcrawler. For this past year I've been more of a Batman girlie, getting to know all the Robins and still working on the Teen Titans and the whole Justice League.
(P.S - Shoutout to my favorite DC fanfiction writer, Whiskey on Ao3 for her beautiful characterization of the batfamily. She is the only one I trust with Dick Grayson and Jason Todd - see the body is a haunted house series.)
This week has been pretty tame, all things considered. My life recently it's a cicle of study, sleep, eat, read and study. To end on a 'funny' note - my father is the condominium manager and hehas been watching the last few days of video camera film on his phone to try to find out who stole the cables out of the garage, like a parody of Sherlock Holmes. He already saw my brother and Mother walking on the video, but I haven't made an appereance yet.
After mass, Mother went to the hospital to give the sacramental bread (english is not my first language so if I'm misspelling it pls let me know) to a grandfather who is in the hospital for a virus invection, which is pretty bad. We learned that he is an university math teacher and chatted for a bit. I hope he gets well - he showed us a lot of pictures of his family, it's obvious that he loves all of his five children and eight grandchildren.
09.08.24 - Olympics
I've been getting back to the rhytm of preparing for entrance exams and I'm glad that my motivation is back. It's a struggle to be consistent, I found out. To sit on the chair and study, to live in the moment without getting held up on the past or on the frightening possibilites of the future. As I write this I'm watching a essay video class, and one of the texts caught my attention: "When change is absolute, nothing that could be improved lingers, and not a direction is estabilished for a possible betterment; and when the experience is not retained, childhood is perpetual."
Inspired by Vashti (Vashti's Room), I've been trying to look more around the world and live actively, not passively throught the screens of my phone or through the lives of other people. In this modernity of fast pleasures, I lose myself too much in the escapism of reading and the media. I spend too much time wanting and not doing. Of course it's okay to immerse in the lives of the people around us, but I have to remember that is more important to live my own, not in a selfish way, but in an apreciating one.
There was an accident, yesterday, I think. An airplane fell down and fifty six people died. The wings were frozen I heard - many bad things happen because of negligence, I guess. I feel very sorry for them, and mostly for their families. It's one my many fears, dying while on the air. I've thought about it for a long while, after I got that realization that all of us get sometime - I'll die someday. Maybe it was while watching Titanic or one of these movies about these horrible tragedies but, I decided that if I could somehow choose the way I would go, I would rule out immediatly a death by water. After almost drowning several times as a kid, it scared me too much - and the ocean still causes me a bit of distress - I won't ever go on a cruise. It's weird, because when I sleep and dream about it, dying seems very peaceful, and I always feel that a had no regrets while living, grateful for everything that I could've experienced.
This week, when I'm in the car on my way home, I've been managing to spot The Cat everyday. She (for it uses a pink collar and I will take the chance to assume) lives in a little house that is smashed near big buldings, such as the one I live. The street in front of it is narrow, and only one car can pass at a time, which makes it perfect for slowing down just enough to spot The Cat sleeping pacefully between the plants inside the small gate in front of the yellow walls. The Cat is white with gray accents and, for what I could see from last year's night car journeys, her eyes seem a deep blue. There was some months were I couldn't find her for a while, and I was concerned she had got run over by a vehicle. I'm glad that she is alright and living her life sleeping in the afternoon sun. She reminds me of the movie The Cat Returns, by Studio Ghibli, and it makes me wonder what does she do during her day, where she goes and who she meets.
We watched the game of woman's volleball this afternoon - and Brazil won! It was very adrenaline inducing, and the points were very near each other - I screamed a lot. We ended up finishing a movie we started yesterday, 'RRR (Rise Roar Revolt)' about the colonization of the English in India. It was a pretty good movie, funny but emotional. They danced a lot and the music was beautiful, but it was very long (3 hours!).
The sky was blue and clear of clouds today. My dad said it was a 'brigadier's sky', perfect for parachute jumping. I think I'd never jump out from the height they do. I find them brave, to face their mortality so strongly as doing this type of things. I want to be bold like that too, someday.
31.07.24 - Onde Anda Você
The break ends today, and I'm happy with how I've spent it - studying, picking up after my abandoned hobbies and resting. After ice skating today, and the whole lot of things that happended, we got home for the long awaited lunch. We also watched the Brazil Women's soccer play, which they lost, sadly.
I spent my last day before classes reading The Walking Dead fics, laying in my bead wishing for my headache to vanish. Some minutes ago I returned from the beach with dad, because I wanted to see if I could catch some hermit crabs and snails. the sky was very pretty and dark, but the tide was already too low and i couldn't see well. I could only find a little snail and we ended up with a stroll and drinking coconut water in the stall with our backs to the sea.
I love my family, even if they are too much sometimes. it was a good day.
29.07.24 - Apesar De Você
I had to change my playlist while typing this entry. (For those who are curious, I was listening to He-man by Trem da Alegria, which is a party song for children). Well, for the 'what happened to my day' - it was one of revelations. Diary, do you know the feeling when you realise someone doensn't care for you as much as you do for them? It's disheartening. Pretty awful. And it happens over the smallest things. The God of Little Things, as Arundhati Roy would say.
(She worked on the cucumber with an air of barely concealed triumph. She was delighted that Estha had not spoken to Rahel. That he had looked at her and walked straight past. Into the rain. As he did with everyone else.
She was eighty-three. Her eyes spread like butter behind her thick glasses.
- I told you, didnt I? she said to Rahel. What did you expect? Special treatment? He’s lost his mind, Im telling you! He doesnt recognize people anymore! What did you think? - Rahel said nothing.
She could feel the rhythm of Esthas rocking, and the wetness of rain on his skin. She could hear the raucous, scrambled world inside his head.
Baby Kochamma looked up at Rahel uneasily. Already she regretted having written to her about Estha’s return. But then, what else could she have done? Had him on her hands for the rest of her life? Why should she? He wasn’t her responsibility.
Or was he?
The silence sat between grandniece and baby grandaunt like a third person. A stranger. Swollen. Noxious. Baby Kochamma reminded herself to lock her bedroom door at night. She tried to think of something to say.
- How did you like my bob?)
My brother, my twin, is becoming someone I can't recognize. Rude, irresponsible, lazy and angry. He never accepts when he is wrong, and has a lot of screaming matches with my parents because of his lack of respect for them. It pains me to say this but, it's probably the 'damn phone', or more acurately, gaming. I hate that he can't choose his proirities right. I made more eggs than usual for lunch today. He ate half of them and when I asked him to clean the dishes I used he said he wouldn't, that I made the eggs becase I wanted to.(Dad made him wash them.)
My parents don't like me going out of the apartment by my own, be it walking a few houses down to the beach or to the gym seven streets left because there has been a lot of robberies. I always tell him in advance, 30 minutes minimum before I go out, because he is always late while getting prepared - always. He was playing the whole day already, instead of studying. We fought and I decided to go alone. The same thing happened on sunday and my father ended up going with me so I could go ciclying.
I was torn between an Inuyasha figure and a Madara one. I'd already decided to buy the stickers for sure to decorate my notebook (samsung) and at the end I ended up picking 11 stickers, a Hatsune Miku Figure and a Madara Lego. (I still bought some for him. I wish I did not). I didn't like the details of the Inuyasha enough, and the Sesshomaru figure had, sadly, black hair instead of white. Here, I'll show you what I came home with and my Action Figures and cute things collection.