Holding back a cry feels the same way as holding a champagne bottle ready to explode, quivering between my hands, just like my lips. Still, I did not cry and tears never left the edge of my eyeline to run across my cheeks. There's no redness maring my face, for I put on makeup before leaving the apartment. I feel better by now, though my vision is still wet at the borders. The talk in the car was weighted, bare and naked. Dad does not know how to react to me crying, I could tell. He was not uncomfortable in a way that urged me to stop speaking, no, just by the situation itself. Or maybe I'm reading things wrong.
He was surprised when I said what I said; of what she had done, as if he wasn't there that day, or as if I didn't scream the same words at his face before. It made things better and worse, a knife you leave inside your guts in fear of bleeding out—by forgetting such a cruel situation, he stated how unimportant it all was on his eyes; by staying unchanged, it showcased how he could've changed if he hadn't let it go from his memory. My body feels like a wet rag.
—Today we reunited Pakkun the cockatiel with his family. He wasn’t living his best life here with us, spending most of the time inside a cage, alone. The place which we left him in has a great enclosure where he can fly and interact with other birds— an arara, two peacocks & a lot of cockatiels—sunbathe and stretch his wings. I hope he’s happy there—he was out of his cage pretty fast and kept screaming at the other cockatiels, who were my uncle’s, on the way up the hill. The place is a huge colonial farm turned into an adventure ecopark, old architecture remaining, with activities like fishing, zip line, kayaking and interaction with animals like cows and goats.
We stayed at my Uncle’s for an hour after, and then I drove back home—after Dad did a mock prayer. I like the newfound time we spent just the two of us in the car. We talk a lot, like when I asked him if he’d like the surname Worm. I have to study. Tomorrow I will go to the beach earlier, even if it rains.
I'm practically brain dead, but I have to study because I've been lying down since I got home.
Yesterday I remembered that time during a holiday when we and my Aunt Bel and her children were staying at the resort and decided to watch an action film that I can't remember the name of. It was after midnight and her daughter, who is only six, was asleep. She and I were on an air mattress and my brother and cousin were on the sofa. Then we saw a cockroach coming towards us and started screaming to find it, but it had gone under the sofa. The boys got the gal to say they'd seen it before, but didn't say anything because of the film. Of course they didn't! They weren't the ones on the floor. We spent at least thirty minutes looking for it and found another three cockroaches...The worst/best part was that the film had ten minutes left when we paused it. We finished it all on the couch, like sardines, too scared of the floor, with our feet up.
This week has been very busy. My college classes started on Monday and I was almost late for the lecture hall because Mom couldn't find a place to park near the train station. Yesterday we had to take Benny to the vet because he had an infected gland, but luckily he's improved and probably won't need surgery, although he was tricked into taking the medicine with his lunch. The last few days have been full of getting up early, going to the train/subway, van, class, van, train, car, lunch and sleeping through exhaustion - I haven't had time to do anything else. Today at least school finished early, at 10am, but Dad had to rush off and couldn't have lunch with me because Mom is in hospital. She had to repeat her operation from last month and decided to stay in hospital for another day, which annoyed my dad as he has to be home for work. Also, for the first time I decided to cut off meat during lent. It's been an experience.
So now I'm alone in the flat with Benny. It's probably not going to be possible to go cycling today or to the local gym, which I've been planning for a week, because of the constant rain. I got mud all over my shoes and trousers as I left the station, but at least I managed to get a seat on the van, unlike Monday when I had to wait for the second round. Now I know which train to take to get there early, and the silence and air conditioning are nice when you ignore the lack of sleep. I have to stay awake if I don't want to miss my stop.
At the college, the classes so far have been pretty introductory, but the people I've met so far are nice. Today, in the van, I started talking to a girl, Camila, who's been with me for half the train/subway ride, and we talked about the kinds of books and series we like and what we think of the teachers so far. It was nice. In class, the teacher made us introduce ourselves and say why we chose the course. Unfortunately, I hate introductions because they make me super nervous and I don't really know what to say. I ended up talking about my experience of jailbreaking my 3ds, my cousin who's doing a PhD in cs, and my web design here, where I only know html and css.
I'm physically and mentally very tired and my phone is still having problems with the humidity and refusing to charge. I haven't had any sailing lessons this week and I'm not going to—we'll have to reschedule them for Thursday and the weekend. All in all, I'm very very tired—but still alive.