thoughts?

hello. as you can see in the title of this page this is where i'll put the Things I Won't Put In My Diary.

I created this space so I don't stain the diary site. Here will be written my heavy and depressing ramblings - and the'll be stored just like in a trash bin, so they son't pollute the main purpose of this whole coding thing, that is having fun and feelling good.

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July

No Alarms and No Surprises

"I feel the sorrow of a world defeated
And wonder if my life reflects the same
Cycle of life’s consciousness depleted;
Like a picture that has fallen from its frame

I bare my heart to painful introspection
Regarding simple pleasures never found.
Like finding images of one’s reflection
In a fleeting pool of water ever bound.

Where now are all the promises of spring
That light and warmth and flowers would repair?
What now do winter wind and shadows bring
But dour images and dark despair?"

-‘October Leaves’ by Richard Lackman

Sometimes I feel like I want everything. That I'm too greedy, that I desire too much. I wish I had more friends, I wish to be loved more, I wish I had time to enjoy the things I want, I wish I was more intelligent, more likable, more confident - I wish to be satisfied.

There are times when I feel so alone that I wonder if I am enough to be satisfied at all if even I don't like my own company. I feel so alone that I start to question if I have true friends.

Since school ended I don't receive any messages. My instagram chats are dry, and it's been a long time since I had a conversation longer than two sentences with anyone outside my family or went out.

It's worse because of social media. You see groups of your friends going to the movies or restaurants and no one thought of you - and you realize weren't so important to them after all. So I avoid seeing posts or stories but I end up isolating myself more and more.

After all that has happened last year of ending high school, 2023 feels like a fever dream. It's like I'm running a maraton but everytime I see the final line someone drags it far away, so I just have to keep going or give up on the middle of it. It's like any moment that I decided to stop for a bit the feelings of the pandemic stir inside of me and I start to drag myself down on that path of idleness and fear of trying.

Studying for the exams is, not unlike everything else, hard. I keep doubting myself, my capacity of succeeding, my motives and my worth. It's emotionally tirying and I feel my mind questioning: "Wouldn't be better if yu settle for less? There is no way you will pass. You're not enough, no matter how hard you try." And I end up more sad and unmotivated than ever.

Now, even thinking about getting in puts a bitter taste on my mouth. It makes me think that even if everything goes right, I'll still feel that it wasn't worth it for me to fell like this. Is similar to eating cotton-candy, that only sweet for a few seconds, and then stays empty in your stomach.

August

In the best case scenario, we die at the same time

Sometimes I wish I didn't live with my brother. Or maybe I wished he was a little bit different. Sometimes it feels like he's putting me so close that he drags me down and we both end up suffocating.

I've been felling dismotivated lately. It's like I'm not fighting for my dream (is it really my dream?), but I am or should be, anyways. I see other people getting better and better over time and I look at myself and find me lacking. It's like I'm missing that thing. The drive, the need, the dream that everyone talks about. I look at them and I feel lost.
It's that sensation when you're around people who share a secret that only you're are not into, and you know that you don't know but that they do. I feel afraid, so afraid. I guess I'm really being left behind this time, again. What a pity, right?