Dear Diary...

09/08/24 - The Cat that Lived a Million Times

I've been getting back to the rhytm of preparing for entrance exams and I'm glad that my motivation is back. It's a struggle to be consistent, I found out. To sit on the chair and study, to live in the moment without getting held up on the past or on the frightening possibilites of the future. As I write this I'm watching a essay video class, and one of the texts caught my attention: "When change is absolute, nothing that could be improved lingers, and not a direction is estabilished for a possible betterment; and when the experience is not retained, childhood is perpetual."

Inspired by Vashti (Vashti's Room), I've been trying to look more around the world and live actively, not passively throught the screens of my phone or through the lives of other people. In this modernity of fast pleasures, I lose myself too much in the escapism of reading and the media. I spend too much time wanting and not doing. Of course it's okay to immerse in the lives of the people around us, but I have to remember that is more important to live my own, not in a selfish way, but in an apreciating one.

There was an accident, yesterday, I think. An airplane fell down and fifty six people died. The wings were frozen I heard - many bad things happen because of negligence, I guess. I feel very sorry for them, and mostly for their families. It's one my many fears, dying while on the air. I've thought about it for a long while, after I got that realization that all of us get sometime - I'll die someday. Maybe it was while watching Titanic or one of these movies about these horrible tragedies but, I decided that if I could somehow choose the way I would go, I would rule out immediatly a death by water. After almost drowning several times as a kid, it scared me too much - and the ocean still causes me a bit of distress - I won't ever go on a cruise. It's weird, because when I sleep and dream about it, dying seems very peaceful, and I always feel that a had no regrets while living, grateful for everything that I could've experienced.

This week, when I'm in the car on my way home, I've been managing to spot The Cat everyday. She (for it uses a pink collar and I will take the chance to assume) lives in a little house that is smashed near big buldings, such as the one I live. The street in front of it is narrow, and only one car can pass at a time, which makes it perfect for slowing down just enough to spot The Cat sleeping pacefully between the plants inside the small gate in front of the yellow walls. The Cat is white with gray accents and, for what I could see from last year's night car journeys, her eyes seem a deep blue. There was some months were I couldn't find her for a while, and I was concerned she had got run over by a vehicle. I'm glad that she is alright and living her life sleeping in the afternoon sun. She reminds me of the movie The Cat Returns, by Studio Ghibli, and it makes me wonder what does she do during her day, where she goes and who she meets.

We watched the game of woman's volleball this afternoon - and Brazil won! It was very adrenaline inducing, and the points were very near each other - I screamed a lot. We ended up finishing a movie we started yesterday, 'RRR (Rise Roar Revolt)' about the colonization of the English in India. It was a pretty good movie, funny but emotional. They danced a lot and the music was beautiful, but it was very long (3 hours!).

The sky was blue and clear of clouds today. My dad said it was a 'brigadier's sky', perfect for parachute jumping. I think I'd never jump out from the height they do. I find them brave, to face their mortality so strongly as doing this type of things. I want to be bold like that too, someday.

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猫が大好きです!

31/07/24 - por céus e mares

The break ends today, and I'm happy with how I've spent it - studying, picking up after my abandoned hobbies and resting. After ice skating today, and the whole lot of things that happended, we got home for the long awaited lunch. We also watched the Brazil Women's soccer play, which they lost, sadly. I spent my last day before classes reading The Walking Dead fics, laying in my bead wishing for my headache to vanish. Some minutes ago I returned from the beach with dad, because I wanted to see if I could catch some hermit crabs and snails. the sky was very pretty and dark, but the tide was already too low and i couldn't see well. i could only find a little snail and we ended up with a stroll and drinking coconut water in the stall with our backs to the sea. i love my family, even if they are too much sometimes. it was a good day.

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私は私の家族が大好きです!

29/07/24 - Apesar de você

I had to change my playlist while typing this entry. (For those who are curious, I was listening to He-man by Trem da Alegria, which is a party song for children). Well, for the 'what happened to my day' - it was one of revelations. Diary, do you know the feeling when you realise someone doensn't care for you as much as you do for them? It's disheartening. Pretty awful. And it happens over the smallest things. The God of Little Things, as Arundhati Roy would say.

(She worked on the cucumber with an air of barely concealed triumph. She was delighted that Estha had not spoken to Rahel. That he had looked at her and walked straight past. Into the rain. As he did with everyone else.
She was eighty-three. Her eyes spread like butter behind her thick glasses.
“I told you, didn’t I?” she said to Rahel. “What did you expect?’ Special treatment? He’s lost his mind, I’m telling you! He doesn’t recognize people anymore! What did you think?” Rahel said nothing.
She could feel the rhythm of Estha’s rocking, and the wetness of rain on his skin. She could hear the raucous, scrambled world inside his head.
Baby Kochamma looked up at Rahel uneasily. Already she regretted having written to her about Estha’s return. But then, what else could she have done? Had him on her hands for the rest of her life? Why should she? He wasn’t her responsibility.
Or was he?
The silence sat between grandniece and baby grandaunt like a third person. A stranger. Swollen. Noxious. Baby Kochamma reminded herself to lock her bedroom door at night. She tried to think of something to say.
- How d’you like my bob?)

My brother, my twin, is becoming someone I can't recognize. Rude, irresponsible, lazy and angry. He never accepts when he is wrong, and has a lot of screaming matches with my parents because of his lack of respect for them. It pains me to say this but, it's probably the 'damn phone', or more acurately, gaming. I hate that he can't choose his proirities right. I made more eggs than usual for lunch today. He ate half of them and when I asked him to clean the dishes I used he said he wouldn't, that I made the eggs becase I wanted to.(Dad made him wash them.)

My parents don't like me going out of the apartment by my own, be it walking a few houses down to the beach or to the gym seven streets left because there has been a lot of robberies. I always tell him in advance, 30 minutes minimum before I go out, because he is always late while getting prepared - always. He was playing the whole day already, instead of studying. We fought and I decided to go alone. The same thing happened on sunday and my father ended up going with me so I could go ciclying.

Now, to the good things, for all is not sadness in life. I went out with dad to pick up our ID's in the mall today - they got some information wrong the other time so they had to be remade. There, we found out that there is a place to do ice skating! The last time I went was probably four years ago, so I'm pretty excited to go this week before my classes start again on thursday. There was also a anime 'fair' and I bought some goodies!!! I was already debating buying a Madara Figure online, but this resolved all of my problems on that front. My mom asked if there was a Ponyo sitcker I could have bought, but there wasn't. After we watched it a week ago, she loves to mention it! I love it haha.

I was torn between an Inuyasha figure and a Madara one. I'd already decided to buy the stickers for sure to decorate my notebook (samsung) and at the end I ended up picking 11 stickers, a Hatsune Miku Figure and a Madara Lego. (I still bought some for him. I wish I did not). I didn't like the details of the Inuyasha enough, and the Sesshomaru figure had, sadly, black hair instead of white. Here, I'll show you what I came home with and my Action Figures and cute things collection.

Vocaloid Hatsuno Miku Wonderland Sleeping Beauty

Uchiha Madara from Naruto

Now, this is my previous collection:

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マダラが大好きです!

21/07/24 - beach and break

I'm on my two-weeks school break right now - that's why I decided to renovate my site. I also went to the beach yesterday, and had lunch there too. Crab, because I can't stand fish.

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>私はビーチが大好きです!

09/06/24 - volleyball

I've first came upon Haikyuu! around 2017 or 2018. I was very knew to anime stuff, and started watching because of a friend's recomendation. The first anime I've watched was 'Blue Exorcist' and I still hold it dear to my heart. After some time, I lost track of the episodes, because I think they were still being released. I'm pretty sure I did watch at least two seasons, but then I totally forgot about it because of a traumatic episode /j.

I loved it at the time, so much that I even bought a volleyball and knee protectors! But, then, one day when I was playing with my friends my ball got stolen and I got pretty upset. It wasn't cheap and I've spent a lot of time practicing with it in my room for so long that I became disheartened. Passing some years, during my senior year in high school I entered the volley class in school and started going to classes on the beach. It was a very good experience, because I got to grow into my skills and had a team sport making me get closer to some friends.

Sadly, my beach volley classes were at night and they usually ended by 9 pm, which was very late so I always got home deadin my feet. If you don't know, beach volley it's pretty intense and much harder than gym volley. My legs always ended up burning so much lol. It was during senior year and because I had to do so much studying for tests I ended up quitting ballet. At the time, I did grown into it after some years of reluctance I was progressing and it was neat. I still miss it and hope to someday do both volley and ballet.

So, my obssession ressurected after I watched a video on youtube some days ago about Kita's -from Inarizaki- philosophy. I'll link it here. It did awoke something in me that I missed. The feeling I had during my middle school years and the drive. Now, being without my friends because of college entrance exams, it really gave me the company I needed and the comforting sensation of following something, you know? Anyways, I'm so out of shape! Don't worry Shinsuke-san, I'l become someone you would be proud to call a friend!

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ハイキューが大好きです！

18/05/24 - dreams and kitsunes

Yesterday, my father and I watched Akira Kurosawa's film 'Dreams'. Usually I'm not one to like movies, or going to the cinema, because I almost always end up feeling like I have waisted precious time, specially when I start early and finish it at noon. But I liked it a lot - it was certainly very different from any western modern media that we see being popular today - it was more like Miyazaki's pieces, in the way that explored themes like Japanese mythology, nature, war and art. I think my favorite moments were:

"Sunshine Through the Rain" we do not know if the boy received the kitsune's forgivness or if he had to commit suicide. I think that the fact that the mother kicked him out of the house made it seem, at the same time, more realistic and more fantastical.


"The Peach Orchard" also stood out to me because I've been reading works regarding japanese tree yoikai, so it was very cool to see how they would look visually, without descriptions.


"The Blizzard" was a brilliant move and carefully crafted. The way the sounds of harsh breathing drag longer than you'd expect and the visual impairement makes you feel uneasy, unlike modern day filming who focuses on the actors more than in the nature of the scene. It's like you are there with them, and the despair seems to choke you from the screen. I was surprised by the happy ending, but as Kurosawa said before: "Even in tragic stories, there should be some happy parts."


"The Tunnel" was one of those media moments that nests in your heart for you to remember for a long while. The way the soldier wanted to go back home, the dog with the weaponry, the revelation that only the commander survive from a huge platoon, when he cries, whising he could have gone with them...it was very unsettling. I loved


"Crows", and I guess Van Gogh would have love it too. It was a beautiful show of surrealism and impressionist art.When he entered the first frame I was spechlees by the dedication put on having the setting to be so perfect, I felt I was inside them too!


"Mount Fuji in Red" was that type of dream you get in the night when you wake up from a nightmare with sweat all over your body - like when imagining a zombie apocalise. I think the worst part is the truthfulness of it, and the way they had to abide their deaths, beacuse there was no fight to battle over - the enemy had alredy won.


"The Weeping Demon" show us the aftermath of the last dream, and the future that await us, the way society still has its power even during th eend of times was a topic that stuck with me - demons with 2 or 3 horns were on the top of the food chain, and were important people while humans, that is why they eat the weak and lower demons.


Admist all of this suffering, "Village of the Watermills" gives us hope. If we can work towards embracing nature again, perhaps what happened during the previous nightmares won't befall on us. All throughout the movie I felt that Kurosawa captured exactly the reality of a dream, - the boldness you get from being asleep, the fear of it being real, the calm and acceptance that drugs your body... At least it's how I saw it.

People go on about how hard life is, but that’s just a lot of talk. Honestly, it’s good to be alive. It’s quite exciting.

- Dreams, 1990 dir. by Akira Kurosawa