So, I did go to the outing. It was pretty cool and I had a lot of fun. There were at least twenty people there, and I went to school with 95% of them, so I was among close friends.

At first, we were supposed to go with one of our friends but at the last minute he fucked up and pissed his mother off a d we ended up going with Dad and with another friend. When we got there the guys were waiting outside the club, and we're denied entry until the person who lived there, our female friend Ana, got there. We had to wait a hour lol.

After that we got to play volleyball on the sand while most of the guys played soccer. And I did so badly it was humiliating. Also, the ball was so full of air that my arms got red after ten minutes of the game. I think I haven't played for about two years, so it was cool to get back to it.

We played for about two hours and, while we were resting, some guys took our field! They even lied about reservation and we believed them. Ana managed to get another but I left with five friends to play cards instead.

We sat on the table beside the pool and I learned a new deck game. But it was so windy I got cold and to think I wanted to go swimming. The whole game lasted at least three hours and then we singed Happy Birthday to the friend of the party on Thursday and ate chocolate cake.

We got to chat for some time before the seven pizzas came, and it was already eleven pm when we left.

Today I woke up at eight after sleeping without the ac again. I ate breakfast with Dad and Benny, because my brother and Mom were still asleep. I wanted to go to the beach but there was already a canoeing competition in which the mother of one of our friends was participating, so we went to see it. I managed to take some really cool photos, but we weren't able to stay long enough to see her competing because today I had a mock exam in the afternoon.

I did my nails on Friday by myself, and they turned out cute. But, recently, I have been feeling down again, which I am going to blame on my hormones. It is still hard, and I am not sleeping very well. It is horrible, even. It seems as if my brain is going one hundred percent all the time, and I end up thinking too much. I think too much, and it feels like a curse. I didnt even had the motivation to post this entry on the correct time - it mattered so little and I looked at the computer screen for a while before shutting it off.

It has been a while since I posted a new entry here - a week, I think. Ive been putting it off since the last few days, convincing myself to postpone it until tomorrow, but if I dont write this now, I wont do it any other time.

As usual, I got a cold yesterday, a recent theme amongst my rambling. I didnt do much, because I was feeling down, for reasons I dont wish to bestow upon this site. I dont want to remember it, so I wont leave it here. As of now, I am better, my nose is no longer clogged and my back doesnt seem to hurt anymore from when I took my bike to the beach.

Yesterday was one of my friends birthday, from school. We have known each other for a while, seven years. At first, I didnt want to go - besides being sick I still had classes at noon, and I had to wake early the next day. But I think I was just afraid. Afraid to see them, and feel like an outsider as we havent seen each other for at least half a year, and others more than that. We got to the restaurant two hours later, but they were still there.

At the end, my fears were unfounded, and we all chatted as we were still in middle school. Ive missed them. Missed this sensation of camaraderie, the company of people I am familiar with, the laughter, the teasing. The happiness that comes from being around a person that you can let loose. We stayed until the restaurant closed and we left together. The birthday boy (who turned twenty) carried what was left of the cake and two of our friends took an Uber home together. Me and my brother didnt get the chance to have dinner, just sweets, but honestly, it didnt matter. It has been a while since Ive laughed so much.

My girl friend agreed to take me to the soccer match this Saturday, to watch and play volleyball. I am not sure it will happen, but I trust her. I hope everything goes alright. I am nervous. I am happy. It is weird, because I do not feel tired now, even if I went to sleep very late because of the party.

Because of the cold, I had to sit outside of some classes yesterday, and I was not very productive in the afternoon. I stayed under the spray of hot water for some minutes while I washed my hair, and it felt like a hug. When I feel guilty, I always try to numb myself. I think, It is nothing, it doesnt matter, so dont feel sad even when it does matter. I wish I did therapy, but I cant make myself to spend more of my parents money. I guess I do feel guilty, even if I try not to.

(Today there were clouds this morning and the sky was a beautiful baby blue. I havent seen The Cat for weeks, and I worry. I keep imagining that she was run over or that she got lost. I hope she is alright.)

I got home, ate lunch (delicious) and promptly sleep for three hours. I feel more alive now. I finally got the time to use the hair removal cream my mom bought - I wanted to get rid of my arm hair for a while, and I can’t wait to tan a bit this weekend to feel healthier as I bathe in the sunlight. After that I just studied, as always.

I dreamt today, which in itself is strange, because I haven't been able to do so in a while. Maybe the difference between now and then was just the two hours of additional sleep I had on thrusday morning, or the fact that I went to the gym yesterday, but I'm not sure.

I had forgotten how weird dreams can be. Nothing makes sense, but it's also understandable at the same time, like a children's drawing I think. Remembering it is also a surprise - which I'm almost sure that can be attributed to the alarm tune of this morning - Clair The Lune, instead of the drums that somehow made into the 'Peaceful Sleep' playlist I chose for my clock.

Anyway, for the dream - the part that is more alive inside my memories is about how our apartment was a boat. Inside was the same as always, cream concrete walls, sofas, our TV, even the piano was there. But looking out of the windows of the balcony, I could only see the greenish waters of the sea. It wasn't deep, our boat-house. It looked like we could still stand up if we got into the ocean from where we were, but we remained inside and just watched people swimming with colorful floats. It was, now that I look back, awfully the same as that scene of Ponyo where the kids go searching for Sosuke's mom. Then, there was great waves that forced us, from our place in the sofa bellow the windows, to close them hurriedly trying to stop the water from flooding our home boat. They were made of clear glass, so it was frightening to see the strength of the water as it rocked us.

The scene changed suddently, and next second I was next to our car and then, at a platform directly above the water, like a sidewalk that stretches deep. There was a girl with a scary paper clown balloon, and after avoiding her - because I am deathly afraid of clowns - in the corner of my eye I saw something move inside the dark waters. It was a shark, an enormous one that had a lot of bruises, battle scars.

I remember that I tried to get people out of the platform, but there were kids laughing and trowing fish to it, and before I knew, the shark ate one boy. It was horrifying, but muted, like all dreams that aren't full nightmares are. I was almost waking up when the scene changed, and I was inside the home boat again. The waters now were a clear blue, instead of the algae green from before. We sailed as if going to the shore, the opposite way from the start of my sleep. I could still see people in the water, despite the accident that just passed. I saw a shark, but everyone was calm. The shark was smaller, but somehow more peaceful than the one I had seen. It just swam between the people without bothering anyone.

I pressed my face against the windows, and just looked ahead, the opposite way of the afternoon sun. The sky was golden. And then, I woke up.

Besides my dream, I've been feeling down since last month. Demotivated and worthless. Even if I'd thought that this unbearable lack of energy and contentment was a product of my oscillating hormones, now I wonder if they stem from something deeper. My lack of confidence is something I've battled for a while, since I got into my middle school, or even before. There was always this felling of competition that permeated everyone, fighting for the first place of the year, the promotions that came from the highest grades. I could never achieve one, even if I came very close, I always had my grades above 8,5/10. I think being compared to some of my classmates that were truly genius people affected me more than I'll never know. It makes things rotten, like plaging violin. I still remember how truly humiliated I felt when my mom got out of the auditorium after I got the music wrong, how some of the other woman tried to confort me while I sat down crying. I was only ten.

And now, in this time of my life where competition is the most important thing, it has been all crashing down on me again. I feel like crying, but my nose is already clogged and I am sick, so I will just endure, like always.

Wow, I'm almost falling asleep while typing this...It's already midnight and I woke up at eight, so you can see why I'm a bit tired. Fortunetly, this morning I didn't have any classes, and tomorrow is free of mock tests - I will finally have a Sunday for myself. Today, after eating two bananas for breakfeast, I watched the rest of 'The First Slam Dunk' that I didn't finished last week. I started the manga some months ago, but haven't picked up for a while. Still, I wanted to watch it to give me a motivation boost to continue reading it. And it worked - the movie was so good! SUper emotional and dramatic, plus the animation was gorgeous. I don't know the characters very well yet, but the movie does a pretty good job to get you invested. It portrays sports competition so well that there were times that I was cheering for Sannoh instead of Shohoku.

After that, me and Dad went to walk on the beach - I wanted to run after our previous failed attempt. It was so sunny his eyes started to hurt, so we decided to just walk for some time. The tide was low, perfect to catch some marine animals, pure luck. The water was clean and I felt like I was on those fancy aquariums where you can touch some of the starfish - but with no starfish. I caught one sea snail that was on top of some corals and two baby hermit crabs, and we waited some minutes to see them coming out of their shells before puttiing them back.

There were some guys who went deep into the water to go fishing, but the fish were probably not so big. Me and Dad spent twenty minutes trying to hunt a siri (blue crab) that we found eating another crab's remains. They have blue and red back legs that are perfect for swimming, so he was super fast and hid himself into the sand so we had to wait until he moved to find him. We had to use our sandals, because Dad was

I went to sleep late again yesterday, despite knowing that I would wake up tired. I always think, 'No, tomorrow will be different - I can enjoy my night,' but it's a lie, and I know. I am foolish and this is the type of silly mistakes that get me a tired and moody, like now, having problems focusing on classes.

I fear a lot and I have the habit of hiding from things that make me anxious. Constantly avoidance, like a turtle living inside it's shell. As I said before, it's too difficult to take the jump, without knowing if the floor it's too far down. I fear of going blind, but it's a irrealistic terror of mine. I find .myself having to press my eyes closed to read the white board and street signs. I can't recognize letters from a few feet far from where I stand, and it scares me.

I'm probably fucking up my vision more and more while using electric stuff, like my ipad and phone. I want to read more physical books, but they are expensive and too heavy to carry around. Of course, further down the line surgery is a possible solution, but I don't like to think about hospitals too much, even thought I'm studying to have a chance to become a doctor. I wish I didn't have to, or feel obligated to. Though, after so long, I can't seem to differentiate at what point other's desires end and mine begin.

Yesterday, in the morning, me and Dad went for a walk by the beach. This time we stayed by the sidewalk, and didn't step on the sand - the tide was high, covering all the stones the marine animals habitat. I wanted to stretch my legs a bit, but there was already a race happening, so I couldn't go to the track, sadly.

I got home, ate, and promptly slept for three hours. I was so tired! But I'm guilty that I did not study too much today. I will try to be more responsible tomorrow. I will be.

The image displayed here is of my childhood plushie bunny, Pirata (Pirate). He is pretty old, around 19 years of age. I really can't remember the reason behind his name, but I think it suits him (it's a him, despite the pink color). I dragged him from his hiding place up on my shelves and boy, isn't he dirty! His feet were slashed, so I had to learn how to sew so I could treat his wounds. It's a bit botched, but everything is closed and firm, so nobody can complain against my first needle job. I will probably use a bit of fabric to cover it up later, but now he is fine as he is in my bed.

The itch to renovate this site has stricked me again - that's why things are pretty new around here.

Yesterday I get home, had lunch and blacked out on my bed until 6 pm. After I woke up super groggy, I watched some physics classes and me and Mom watched the movie Red Sparrow. The movie was good, but it had a lot of sex, gore and torture scenes. We ended up staying awake till 1 am, but luckly today is saturday and my only class started at nine. My new mouse got here a few days ago - I had to buy it because my older one had problems connecting, so I had to spend five minutes moving the usb cable up and down until it connected right. It's still usb, but without the cable, and it also has rainbow led colors! Sadly, I didn't go to the gym this week because I have been brain dead from my irregular hormones - it has been a pain trying to focus on classes.

Also, after watching Deadpool vs Wolverine (I think this was the title but I'm not sure) my X-men hiperfixaxion ressurfaced - manly for my fellow catholic boy, Kurt Wagner aka Nightcrawler. For this past year I've been more of a Batman girlie, getting to know all the Robins and still working on the Teen Titans and the whole Justice League.

(P.S - Shoutout to my favorite DC fanfiction writer, Whiskey on Ao3 for her beautiful characterization of the batfamily. She is the only one I trust with Dick Grayson and Jason Todd - see the body is a haunted house series.)

This week has been pretty tame, all things considered. My life recently it's a cicle of study, sleep, eat, read and study. To end on a 'funny' note - my father is the condominium manager and hehas been watching the last few days of video camera film on his phone to try to find out who stole the cables out of the garage, like a parody of Sherlock Holmes. He already saw my brother and Mother walking on the video, but I haven't made an appereance yet.

After mass, Mother went to the hospital to give the sacramental bread (english is not my first language so if I'm misspelling it pls let me know) to a grandfather who is in the hospital for a virus invection, which is pretty bad. We learned that he is an university math teacher and chatted for a bit. I hope he gets well - he showed us a lot of pictures of his family, it's obvious that he loves all of his five children and eight grandchildren.

I've been getting back to the rhytm of preparing for entrance exams and I'm glad that my motivation is back. It's a struggle to be consistent, I found out. To sit on the chair and study, to live in the moment without getting held up on the past or on the frightening possibilites of the future. As I write this I'm watching a essay video class, and one of the texts caught my attention: "When change is absolute, nothing that could be improved lingers, and not a direction is estabilished for a possible betterment; and when the experience is not retained, childhood is perpetual."

Inspired by Vashti (Vashti's Room), I've been trying to look more around the world and live actively, not passively throught the screens of my phone or through the lives of other people. In this modernity of fast pleasures, I lose myself too much in the escapism of reading and the media. I spend too much time wanting and not doing. Of course it's okay to immerse in the lives of the people around us, but I have to remember that is more important to live my own, not in a selfish way, but in an apreciating one.

There was an accident, yesterday, I think. An airplane fell down and fifty six people died. The wings were frozen I heard - many bad things happen because of negligence, I guess. I feel very sorry for them, and mostly for their families. It's one my many fears, dying while on the air. I've thought about it for a long while, after I got that realization that all of us get sometime - I'll die someday. Maybe it was while watching Titanic or one of these movies about these horrible tragedies but, I decided that if I could somehow choose the way I would go, I would rule out immediatly a death by water. After almost drowning several times as a kid, it scared me too much - and the ocean still causes me a bit of distress - I won't ever go on a cruise. It's weird, because when I sleep and dream about it, dying seems very peaceful, and I always feel that a had no regrets while living, grateful for everything that I could've experienced.

This week, when I'm in the car on my way home, I've been managing to spot The Cat everyday. She (for it uses a pink collar and I will take the chance to assume) lives in a little house that is smashed near big buldings, such as the one I live. The street in front of it is narrow, and only one car can pass at a time, which makes it perfect for slowing down just enough to spot The Cat sleeping pacefully between the plants inside the small gate in front of the yellow walls. The Cat is white with gray accents and, for what I could see from last year's night car journeys, her eyes seem a deep blue. There was some months were I couldn't find her for a while, and I was concerned she had got run over by a vehicle. I'm glad that she is alright and living her life sleeping in the afternoon sun. She reminds me of the movie The Cat Returns, by Studio Ghibli, and it makes me wonder what does she do during her day, where she goes and who she meets.

We watched the game of woman's volleball this afternoon - and Brazil won! It was very adrenaline inducing, and the points were very near each other - I screamed a lot. We ended up finishing a movie we started yesterday, 'RRR (Rise Roar Revolt)' about the colonization of the English in India. It was a pretty good movie, funny but emotional. They danced a lot and the music was beautiful, but it was very long (3 hours!).

The sky was blue and clear of clouds today. My dad said it was a 'brigadier's sky', perfect for parachute jumping. I think I'd never jump out from the height they do. I find them brave, to face their mortality so strongly as doing this type of things. I want to be bold like that too, someday.

The break ends today, and I'm happy with how I've spent it - studying, picking up after my abandoned hobbies and resting. After ice skating today, and the whole lot of things that happended, we got home for the long awaited lunch. We also watched the Brazil Women's soccer play, which they lost, sadly.

I spent my last day before classes reading The Walking Dead fics, laying in my bead wishing for my headache to vanish. Some minutes ago I returned from the beach with dad, because I wanted to see if I could catch some hermit crabs and snails. the sky was very pretty and dark, but the tide was already too low and i couldn't see well. I could only find a little snail and we ended up with a stroll and drinking coconut water in the stall with our backs to the sea.

I love my family, even if they are too much sometimes. it was a good day.

I had to change my playlist while typing this entry. (For those who are curious, I was listening to He-man by Trem da Alegria, which is a party song for children). Well, for the 'what happened to my day' - it was one of revelations. Diary, do you know the feeling when you realise someone doensn't care for you as much as you do for them? It's disheartening. Pretty awful. And it happens over the smallest things. The God of Little Things, as Arundhati Roy would say.

(She worked on the cucumber with an air of barely concealed triumph. She was delighted that Estha had not spoken to Rahel. That he had looked at her and walked straight past. Into the rain. As he did with everyone else.

She was eighty-three. Her eyes spread like butter behind her thick glasses.

- I told you, didnt I? she said to Rahel. What did you expect? Special treatment? He’s lost his mind, Im telling you! He doesnt recognize people anymore! What did you think? - Rahel said nothing.

She could feel the rhythm of Esthas rocking, and the wetness of rain on his skin. She could hear the raucous, scrambled world inside his head.

Baby Kochamma looked up at Rahel uneasily. Already she regretted having written to her about Estha’s return. But then, what else could she have done? Had him on her hands for the rest of her life? Why should she? He wasn’t her responsibility.

Or was he?

The silence sat between grandniece and baby grandaunt like a third person. A stranger. Swollen. Noxious. Baby Kochamma reminded herself to lock her bedroom door at night. She tried to think of something to say.

- How did you like my bob?)

My brother, my twin, is becoming someone I can't recognize. Rude, irresponsible, lazy and angry. He never accepts when he is wrong, and has a lot of screaming matches with my parents because of his lack of respect for them. It pains me to say this but, it's probably the 'damn phone', or more acurately, gaming. I hate that he can't choose his proirities right. I made more eggs than usual for lunch today. He ate half of them and when I asked him to clean the dishes I used he said he wouldn't, that I made the eggs becase I wanted to.(Dad made him wash them.)

My parents don't like me going out of the apartment by my own, be it walking a few houses down to the beach or to the gym seven streets left because there has been a lot of robberies. I always tell him in advance, 30 minutes minimum before I go out, because he is always late while getting prepared - always. He was playing the whole day already, instead of studying. We fought and I decided to go alone. The same thing happened on sunday and my father ended up going with me so I could go ciclying.

I was torn between an Inuyasha figure and a Madara one. I'd already decided to buy the stickers for sure to decorate my notebook (samsung) and at the end I ended up picking 11 stickers, a Hatsune Miku Figure and a Madara Lego. (I still bought some for him. I wish I did not). I didn't like the details of the Inuyasha enough, and the Sesshomaru figure had, sadly, black hair instead of white. Here, I'll show you what I came home with and my Action Figures and cute things collection.